Fear of Abandonment - Godiva

(Dallas, Texas)

I am trying to decide whether to sign to proceed with the process for my ex-husband to give up his parental rights to my 6 year old son. I have been the primary person in his life for his entire life and he has shown little interest since I became pregnant. The father was aware of the potential to become pregnant a couple of months before we were going to try.

Anyway, I filed for divorce when he was 12 months old. His father has continued to show little interest and the divorce and after has been extremely contentious for the past 5.5 years. He has been in and out of his life. This is in the best interest of the child but I am struggling with it. It is what I know is best in my heart, but I am still struggling emotionally with it. I want the best for my son and I am a very good and very involved mother with continued support from my family to love and help me with sitting and such when I need it. They love him. As I do. Emensly. I feel my ex-husband does not love him. And I do not know why. He is a loveable baby boy.

I am sad tonight some, and since the papers were sent over I have mixed emotions. It does not change what I know is best for my child. There have been many other issues besides little interest including issues regarding my son's physical safety to say the least. I am just sad tonight...

I will always remain strong for my son, his wellbeing is my highest concern and interest, and ALWAYS will be. It is just a sad event. And it is the biggest decision I have had to make in my entire life. Wow. I am 34 and my son is 6. He is lovely and we are nice, normal, and educated people. I would like consult from a child psycologist on how to make this the best for my son.
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Perhaps you can explain to him that different animals and creatures in the world have different ways of reproducing. Many species do not "bond" with their children. It seems the same with humans, and with men most often. That sometimes the "mammal" bonding instinct just isn't there in the father. Or sometimes it shows up a little bit when the child is much older. It is an instinct this man who is his father doesn't have but it doesn't mean anything bad about him, the son. It is just something that happens quite a lot.

You could also explain that all kinds of things break that bond from a father. Too much work, war, addictions, other women, and so on. That our society is full of sons whose fathers didn't really parent them, and that it is normal and natural and he will be fine. And someday maybe your son will be a father and can then have all the father son bonding he wants.

with love,
Laura
PS: I don't mean to pretend that I'm the expert you want, this is just my 2 cents worth.

Depression

I am really sick of feeling depressed. I have a good life and should feel very happy. I have tried meds but they make me feel worse. I started an exercise program about a month ago but it does not seem to be helping. Do you have any advise?

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Exercise is a fantastic start. Are you also looking carefully at nutrition? Vitamin D and sunlight and sleep cycles?

How are your relationships? (All of them) and especially with your parents and doubly so with your mother? In general, do relationships feel safe, supportive, and reliable?

Have you experienced trauma of any kind ?

Were there any breaks in relationship bonds when you were young? Divorces or moves away from extended family members? Any unresolved lost relationships with lovers or friends?

Did either of your parents have emotionally difficult childhoods?

Are you living at least part of your dream or sense of purpose in life? Do you appreciate who you are - in essence? Do you have goals or visions for your future? Are you able to just play and enjoy life regularly? Do you treat yourself to beauty in sight, sound, smell, taste, touch?

These are all keys to unlocking depression. Thanks for writing, it was fun to list these key areas.

good luck!
Laura

My Story

by Kevin
(America)

My fear of abandonment definately goes back to childhood. You could say it goes back to my fathers childhood.
My granpa died when my Dad was 14 and my grandma was in a mental hospital for 6 months after that happened. I have figured out that that has a lot to do with what made him the way he is and how he treated me.
My mother died when I was 1 1/2 years old. I am the youngest of 3 and don't remember anything about her, however, I do feel a connection to my abandonment issues and a vague feeling of loss that probably started when she died.
When I was 4 my father remmarried. It was great for a couple years but then they started having problems and my stepmother (though she is in denial about it) took her problems out on me somewhat and made me feel like crap a lot of the time. Sad because I really do love her but can't accept her as my mother since after nine years she left my Dad and our family.
At that point I was 14 and my dad was instantly in another relationship with a bi-polar woman who felt visibly uncomfortable around me and my siblings(due to the fact we were not happy with our fathers new relationship). He began to be late (sometimes very late) picking me up from school and practiced makeing me feel pretty insignificant.
On one particular occasion my brother (4years older than me) beat the crap out of me and was terrorizing me to the point where I was scared to leave my room. I called my dad who was at this new womans house for help but he basically said there was nothing he could do.
I am now 25 and have tried dating women but I always wind up abadoning any relationship I get into. My Dad really is a good guy at heart he's just had his head up his you know what this whole time and I have trouble forgiving him. I feel great love for him and want to forgive him and, most importantly, connect emotionally with him about my mom's death but I have tried and never really seem to hit the right chord.
If you have any advice on how to reconnect with my dad (even though I've lived with him for 25 years) it would be much appreciated. Thanks
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I don't know how I missed your contribution for so long, I'm sorry I didn't post it sooner. I'll give it some thought and write more later. Its a tough one but highly worth the effort. I applaud you on your attitude and your intentions in a big way.

with love,
Laura

8 years old and alone

by Leslie
(Alabama)

When I was 8 years old my parents divorced. My older sister and I stayed with our mother and her new boyfriend for 2 weeks and then were sent to live with my maternal grandparents.

My grandmother is a very controlling, cold and cruel person. She told us daily that our parents didn't love or want us and if it weren't for them, my grandparents, we would have no place to live. 2 or 3 years would go by and I wouldn't hear from or see either of my parents.

When my dad was around he would make plans to come and get me so I could spend the weekend with him. On Fridays when I would get home from school I would excitedly pack and go outside and wait for my dad. More often than not i would be left standing outside way past dark and he would never show.

I have always loved horses and he was constantly telling me that he was going to buy me a horse and would build my hopes up and never follow through. The same happened when I became old enough to drive and made many promises about buying me a car.

My grandmother turned other family members against me and none of them wanted to have anything to do with me but would take my sister on vacation. I was not a bad child, I didn't act up, I was too afraid to and wanted to be good so my family would love me. I was so alone and learned very early not to trust.

I am 40 years old, have 2 children and was married for 17 years. After my divorce I became involved with a man who for 3 years lied to me and cheated on me. He devastated me.

Almost 3 years ago I met a wonderful man whom I still deeply love. The first month and a half of our relationship was going along nicely. One day I sent him text messages and he didn't reply, I called he didn't answer. Complete and utter panic set in. I called his place of employment numerous times looking for him. He got in trouble with his boss and lost all interest in me, assuming that I was a crazy psycho.

I automatically assumed that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and was ignoring me-that he had abandoned me. I could not control myself and stop calling his job....he was off that day but does go by there when he is off so I was hoping to catch him there. When I finally did hear from him, it wasn't what I had thought. He had lost his cellphone in the hay field.

Because of my fear of abandonment and inability to trust because of my past, I lost what I always believe was the love of my life. We still talk but he says that he can't let go of the phone calls. I desperately want to be able to put these trust issues and fear of abandonment behind me. I want to be happy!
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This is a heartbreaking story and one that is so familiar to me, so many people suffer from similar situations. It is possible to clear your self of these reactive patterns but it takes persistance over time.

You have the most important ingredient, your desire to be happy. Cherish that desire! Doing Resonance Repatterning Sessions helps more than anything else I know of. Perhaps later this year I will be able to offer group sessions, making it more affordable and available to a wider range of people like you.

with love
Laura

Fear of Abandonment - Why can i not trust anyone?

by Anna
(SC)

I don't remember ever being able to trust others. I love my boyfriend more than anything, but still am frequently worried that he will leave me. My head knows that he will never leave me, but deep down I am always worried.
My abandonment goes back to childhood and I don't know why. I was never a happy child. I have both of my parents and a stable home life, but I still have a fear of abandonment.
The only thing that would cause this is my parents joking about putting me into foster care or giving me up for adoption. I brought it up a few months ago, and they claim that I knew that they were joking. But it may have started earlier than that.
I just want to stop being afraid to be happy, and to relax for once in my life.

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There are all kinds of reasons you may have the fear. You can say that abandonment is an unavoidable part of life and everyone has it to some degree. I see it as an opportunity to choose to feed or strengthen the more real part of you, the part that is so much more than fear.

We are not always logical creatures. In your case, I'd suggest understanding your fear as like a fear of flying, for example. The mistake is to allow the fear to be more powerful than you are. The only way to be more powerful than the fear is to allow yourself to completely feel it and surrender to it. Get familiar with it, make friends with it. Let it be. When the fear comes up, don't dive into resisting it or looking for reasons for it or think it shouldn't be there. Just say..well, there I go again! There's my old friend, that goofy old fear of abandonment.

It may be more a fear of rejection or a fear of bonding. You never know. Explore and enjoy! Imagine the day when you are older and wiser and looking back...--oh,yeah, I remember when I still had that fear thing going on. Whew, glad that is over with!--

worth a try...
Laura

Fear of Abandonment - Misunderstood.

Theres always alot of problems i have at school because im the shy kid. People make un - necessary jokes about it and bully me. it's not fun to go through it everyday but i manage to get through it. People dont understand how bad it hurts inside until their the ones that are getting bullied. And they don't understand the pain they cause me either. It may be just a joke but sometimes it just goes too far, until it reaches your breaking point, and you just can't stand it anymore.