Still going through abandonment

by Caroline
(Portland, Oregon, USA)

My father molested/raped me for four years- from the age of 14 until the age of 18. I didn't tell anyone until my boyfriend Grant and I started going out last year.

While everything was happening, My dad made me feel bad for ever leaving the house, or hanging out with friends. He made it difficult for me to have relationships with boys and going out, probably partly jealousy, and obviously also isolation and control.

From a very young age, I've always wanted to see my family happy, and my number one desire was for my dad to be proud of me. I was hurting immensely even before he started taking advantage of me in a sexual way, and my hurt only escalated...except I had on a front, because I was afraid of anyone knowing. I didn't want my family to fall apart, as my Dad told me that would happen.

I told Grant about it last year, on our family camping trip, and three days later left my home. My dad turned himself in, and I pressed charges. My mother continues her relationship with him now, and visits him in jail. I don't know how to handle it really. I don't talk to her, because my mind says that she is not standing by me...which she's not. But It's as if I want so badly for her to love me, that if it weren't for my serious relationship with Grant, who I love a lot, I think maybe I'd still be reaching out to her and not upholding those boundaries.

I am hurting so badly right now too, because my brother Ricky doesn't understand why I am not talking to her. He knows that I'm hurt from all of this, but I get so afraid that he won't talk to me because I'm not "in support" of the family.

I am moving on, but I'm also realizing that because all of this is so new to be out in the open, my abandonment issues are very real and fresh.

I know I'll make it, but this healing process has only just begun, and I am a little bit afraid.