SO alone, I was not prepared for this world or to be a man.

I am feeling so alone right now, no friends in person, I never really had friends, I thought I did for a while but they betrayed me.

Let's go back to the beginning, as a child I was a boy but never really masculine, my mother gave me a girls name and dressed me up a few times. I played with Rainbow Brite and had Strawberry Shortcake sheets, my favorite color was pink. They thought I was a girl when I started school, I got in trouble for using the boys bathroom and they thought I was a tomboy so they decided to break me of the habit by making me play with Barbie dolls during playtime. MY mother told me that the Doctor told her I was going to be a girl and they had prepped some things for me as such, she said she was glad I was a boy later on but this seemed awkward.

When puberty hit I wanted to develop breasts I wanted a period because I knew that was the price of pregnancy and I would love to have a child grow in me, to be connected like that. This being said, all of this being said, I still am attracted only to women though I wish I had been born one.

MY friend, my former friend always called me girly, more feminine than her. I wish we were still friends but she chose to believe someone else's lies over my truths and it hurts, hse literally threw me away and I pretty much lived for her, I did everything she wanted and more, her laundry her housework, her cooking, I gave her money, I took care of her kids, I loved her like she were my sister and best friend but she just used me up and spat me out. I miss her still and those kids.

Her friend that lied, she too I truted and loved and she betrayed me destroyign the only significant relationship I made after my parents died, well actually there was this guy who I took in as a friend and having thought he lost all of his money due to a tragedy I invested in him and he ripped me off of tons of money, and this is how I met her, she owed me money from the same con he did but she was coned as well, it seemed, she was left with the debt owed to me but all in all the whole situation stinks and it hurts.

I want a friend I can trust and to treat me like I treat them. I would prefer this friend be female as I am feminine andwould rather be like a girlfriend to the but it just seems that will never happen.

It also seems I will never find a girl to romance with . I am a 30 + year old virgin, I never dated, never kissed. I spent much of my life nursing my ill mother and after she and my father died not too far apart I found myself alone in this world with no job or job history and it was a cold cruel world. I believe in making family of friends, I devoted to my friends the same care and love I gave my parents and did not get that back in return, I got manipulation and used. Why does it have to be this way? Why am I this way?

I never had friends in school, in high school a boy grabbed me from behind, held me tight with a hard on for 20 minutes or so and threatend sexual actions, I was helpless,I dropped out of high school after this feeling sick and pale white, vomiting often.

My brother beat me constantly growing up, I was always beaten down.

I feel so alone.

I'm in my 30s, my parents died 3 years ago, it has been a downward spiral, I do not understand and I want to cry so much, my friend, she use to make fun of me crying, being so emotional and sensitive, I cry at lifetime movies. She made fun of me being girly and more feminine than her yet she liked watching those films with me I think and we got along best when she treated me as a girlfriend.

OH I miss her, I miss being with a friend, I hate being alone, I do not know how to meet people, interact, I am so timid and shy. I cant drive, I'm all alone, I sleep on my brother's couch and relations are strained, oh please someone tell me what I should do, how to get out of such a slump.
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I'm so sorry for all your pain. There isn't much room left here for me to respond and I'd like some time to let it simmer before I do. So I am publishing this for now, until I can get back to you.
with love
Laura