Ro

by Roberta
(Seattle,WA)

I was taken from my biological mother (16 year old girl) at birth (I just turned 58)
I was in a nursery in a hospital for 10 days
I was adopted. My mother could not have children, her mother 3 times divorced,
When 9 years old I went to summer camp for underprivileged children even though my family was white middle class. We were relocating to CO, I had wanted to go to a summer camp this was only one who would take as young as me. The others kids were all black or Hispanic, came from poverty and I am sure unhappy homes. They hated me - and I did not understand why for years. They did not hate me per say - they hated that I was white, middle class and had parents who loved me. I thought they truly hate me for me and by the end of the week full of constant tears and worry I lost 7 pounds and was convinced in my own head that my parents were not going to come back for me. That I was not worth of love, that something was wrong with me. I had such severe nightmares for a couple months that my parents let me sleep in their bedroom.

The November before my 24th birthday I had surgery for ovarian cist -which was an egg trying to develop without insemination and outside of my womb. I cannot have children.
I have had 3 major relationships, currently married for 15 years to a man who is a true life partner, but not a lover. He will never leave me but he will never meet my needs for affection most of all. He in fact is at least bi if not gay. We worked side by side for years - I became his boss. He is a good man and loves me but he does not meet my need for affection.I had resigned myself to accepting that I was not going to get affection. Had I had children I wonder if that would have done the trick - given me a source for affection. I have always had bouts of deep sadness. I have learned to embrace those times of tears and grief. My mother was a control freak and had a hard time with us once we became preteens and had opinions of our own but she and my father loved us - we were their purpose - to raise us to be all we could be.
My father has always been a man I trust, respect, count on for advise and love and acceptance. Both are still alive - my mother and I do well now and I have her to thank for my love of the arts which is my passion. But my father is my comfort, my best friend, quick of wit so very considerate...neither are casually affection.They are both still alive. Mother I shall miss but when my father dies I will grieve - his passing will be painful...who will love me and understand me like him?

My husband and I are very different types of personalities..I am glad I was older when we met as I was wise enough to know better then to try and change who he was.Alas he is not a lover he is a luster. He enjoys rough sex which I do not. I can go along to a certain point but he has twice injured me and never has truly made love to me. He brought home his best friend - Ben - who is 25 years younger, an artist, tall and broad in chest, blond/brown hair down to his ass and so very handsome....Ben was married with a 4 year old boy but his wife had brought home another man which Ben accepted and was allowed to stay at his house but no sex with her who is now a nurse and exotic dancer...ice queen is the best description.

Ben asked Steve is he would ask me if I wanted to have sex with him. I was astounded, flattered and amazed....I had a talk with myself that went like this: This opportunity is not likely to come along every again in my life. My instincts tell me he is a magnificent lover. The down size was that I knew I would fall in love and would get my heart broken. I was right Ben is a superb lover I did fall as did he in way for he found in me all that she never gave him. And he was a composer of some of the most unusual music I was his muse...gradually he moved in, we spent every possible minute with each other. This went on for 4 years...always though did I feel a shadow of the future...that he was too young and sooner or later being so attractive and being that he was not romantically in love with me as I was him (which may just be how he is)...bottomline sex is rare but always outstanding. he is super stingy with affection and as is a very spoiled Mormon Momma's boy. BUT he is loyal and insists he loves me and I am sure he does.I have never had anyone I have been so close to who I loved so passionately who helped me grow and visa versa. And through my efforts knowing full well I was cutting my own throat I got him into the music scene and he developed his own friends. I was with him at all times the first year. All was fine until women started being of interested or girls anyway. He thrives on their attention and gives back...a kind of attention I rarely ever got...and I found I was so jealous I could not stand it. I took myself out of the scene as I had no choice. It was he to whom I went when I finally had to admit that I needed affection from him and only him. As I said my husband it not at all affectionate and I am. I was starving more than I had any idea when Ben enter the scene. He can be a dream come true....but not nearly enough or consistent.

At this time Ben no longer lives with us, is fighting a court battle for his boy, seemingly accepting of his wife being who she is and not the dream he fell for. I have been grieving quite literally for those first years with Ben for I was so happy and content. He was amazingly tolerant of my tendency to smother him with love and attention. Now he is on his own and our time is extremely limited. I miss the intimacy of our relationship where we would talk for hours, sharing all - but he is by nature an introvert who rarely opens up to others. I loved our sharing and caring but he has cut that off. Does not respond to text often, spends time with me 1 a week maybe, no affection given, affection taken and I am feeling abandoned once again. There is no other woman but he does have a new best friend who has replaced my role in many ways. He as more than once said we have had the best sexual relationship he ever has had much to his own surprise. I miss our relationship but I cannot tolerate that he does not nurture it. Simple phone call more than 1 a week is asking too much I guess.

Yes I have asked for my needs to be met. I have figured out that he uses touch to melt us women but other wise is not as interested as I thought.

I am at a breaking point where being around him then sent home is so painful for me that I every so reluctantly must consider severing this relationship. I do not see any other choice. I can live without it with my husband because he simply has never evoked that in me like Ben does with his first touch. I do not want to fall into the get rid of him before he does me but I cannot compromise on my needs. He can blow hot and cold sexually - but the last time was the first time he actually cradled me with such affection and tenderness I was so so happy for I was really and truly loved. Nothing since then other than the pleasure of his company....I am confused, forlorn for a very smart, savvy woman who has figured myself out for the most part. Do I let him go? Or let him stay but in a remote and distant way which goes against my grain big time...I just cannot be near him with loving him passionately.

What do you suggest or advise? I never ask for help but I am so tired of crying myself to sleep every night torn with a feeling of deep deep loneliness and a sense of being abandoned rises up like the plague and squeezes my heart til it bleeds.
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Thank you for writing, Ro. Gosh...there is so much energy here. I wish you had a positive creative outlet for it. Maybe a romance novel? I don't know what to say. That sounds cruel, but really, if you had a creative focus and outlet for your energy, it may help more than anything else could.

With love
Laura