not abandonment but close enough

by amanda
(olyphant pa)

i was 15 going on 16 (this happen in October 2008) when i lost my great grandpa. i never met my grandparents, either set, so my mom's grandparents were the only ones i ever met. my great grandpa died of cancer that October & i never knew until the day it happen. he never told me, no one did. and i understand why, i had been extremely close to him & it truly did break my heart when he died.. i had been a freshman in h.s at the time & it had happen a week before my birthday, most people would think i would remember my birthday at least, but i can't. i don't remember my freshman year at all. it's almost as if there was a haze after he died to protect me from hurting. 7 months later in May of 2009 i made my first suicide attempt. i had fought the haze, but i knew if i broke away i would be in pain. i had seen no other way to escape, my only thought then was 'let the pain stop' the haze wasn't able to block out all the pain. although it blocked out a decent portion. i never got over his death, i still hurt from it everyday. i know suffer from severe clinical depression & bipolar disorder complication. both of which are very difficult to deal with.
i don't really talk about him or the year i can't remember, but i'd like to try & start healing if it's possible. i'd like it if there was someone who could help me. thanks for listening

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amanda, I am so sorry to hear that you suffer from
those afflictions, that IS incredibly hard to deal with. I hope that you can find the right medications and stay on them consistently. Most important is cultivate stability and consistently biologically. Completely avoid imbalances in your diet and substances. Even things like soft drinks, diet drinks, smoking. Focus on your happy memories.

Someone explained loss this way and it helps me. Let's say we have a child. We adore it as an infant but before you know it, the infant is gone and its a young kid. We adore the kid but before you know it, its a teenager. And so on. If we have longevity, soon that baby is a 50 year old! But we don't mourn the baby, even though the baby is gone. And all of life is like that, dying and changing to something new.

It is our memories and experiences that are most valuable in life, how they shape and teach us. Surely your grandfather wouldn't want his life to end up being tragic for you. Remember him and cherish him and your relationship with him and know he is forever a part of you.

with love,
Laura