Nobody is here...

by Ms. T
(United States)

Nobody is here...
The thought consumed my six year old mind. My sister tormented me and my father wasn't sure of what to do with me. My mother smothered me, not letting go, not letting me breath, telling me that she's always love me. Even after she'd chase me around the house with a shoe because she was frustrated with me. At school I didn't have friends. I'd try to make friends, but in the end they's always bully me.
Nobody is here...
The only solace I found was when I'd watch a Disney Princess movie. They were in terrible situations, but had found love. That's what I wanted. Some love. Some sweet pure love where I'd take care of my prince and he'd save me from this place.
Nobody is here...
Ten years later I'm sixteen. Turning seventeen soon. Somebody is here. My boyfriend W. But it seems there is trouble in paradise. ABANDONMENT ISSUES. Of course on my part. He's going away to college and I'm going to be left all alone. I know I have to get over this. I want to- no need to get over this. I'm perfect just the way I am, but why is he still the center of my universe? Why am I so willing to sacrifice everything I have just to be with him. Just to make more happy memories and feel his love wash over me? Even when it's costing my happiness when we are apart. I'm not the same girl when he's here and when he's away.
This monster. This fear. This problem needs to disappear. Not just for me. But for all of us. None of us want this anymore. We can't move forward with this monster eating us. Everything is held at bay. Manifesting in our hearts. Drilling in our brains. Breaking our bones and finally crushing our spirits... Will you help me? Will you help yourself? Please say you will.

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I don't know why exactly but I'm inspired to write something unusual to you. Something deeper than typical.

Like you, I have suffered. Like you I have (my way of describing it...sold my soul for "love".)

I finally found the spirituality of India and a woman teacher there. A woman guru who is beloved by millions over the world. She says that we yearn for the peace and love of the Divine. We yearn for unconditional love, to merge and disappear in love. (and this is when there is no one here...just love.)

But we look for love in all the wrong places. In this material world, in this earth plane, in this land of transient lives...in this world where life comes and goes and is impermanent, we can never ever find that perfect love we long for.

I tell my abandonment clients: Even if you could find the absolute perfect love union in this lifetime...death will end it. A bus could hit you or your other tomorrow or old age in 50 years. Either way. We fear because we WILL lose this love. And human love can never be 100% unconditional.

She advises to find the Divine Love. Find it inside ourselves - if we can, as best we can - we need teachers and guides -- but the goal, the TRUE longing we don't even see is to BE THE DIVINE love, to be a river of love. She says we ARE that...we just have yet to find it and live it.

And only that will release us from our suffering, our longing, our imperfect, flawed conditional love. Only that will release us into boundless love that is not dependent upon the other.

We can't get what we need from others because they are just as flawed and needy as we are. Only by becoming the love we are can we find relief.

with love
Laura