My inability to be alone

by Keirsten Genhold
(Saint Petersburg, FL, USA)

I am now currently an 18 year old female. Growing up, I had a 20 something year old mother still stuck in her partying days. Always having to go to my room and try to go to bed as my mom stayed up all night.

I'm not saying this starts my abandonment, just a start possibly. I had a lot of friends and was an active little kid. Then, my best friend got a new friend, ignored me, then moved away. Soon after, everyone moved away and I was alone. I didn't realize it at first, I guess, but I started isolating myself.

I became shy and quiet, afraid to meet new people, afraid I'd lose them too. As soon as I tried, they'd all move away. I never thought my relationships were effected by it, but they were.

Even boyfriends moved away, making me seclude myself even further. I didn't think I had a big problem, just that I was anti-social or a misanthrope. Recently, in the past years, I got a dog who had abandonment issues and I began to see that I had somewhat of a problem of being alone. I'd freak out when no one came home on time, or I would start to get a little "crazy" when I was couped up in my room and no one would seem to care or come see me.

Honestly, I'm starting to ramble... My boyfriend of 3 years is dealing with my issues, along with anger I have as well. I don't know what to do. Here's the breakdown of my relationship: I call him as soon as I get up, he comes over and when he runs late I call him, I don't want him to leave the room, or go home. When he does leave to go home, I cry.

I am, kind of, in the mind set of a dog, thinking that the person will never come back, but in my consious mind, I know he will. I've had a hard time dealing with this and I think I do need some serious help.

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I hope you find that help, Keirsten. Yes, you can see you are resonating with being left. And you are resonating that being left is life threatening. Your Mom couldn't teach you about finding your center or about allowing frightening feelings to pass through.

It took me 50 years to discover my Inner Mother, the part of me that can say SHHHH, it is ok - I am here, I am here for you. You are going through a really hard time now but it is ok, you are ok, you will be ok, everything is ok.

Inner mother - center - heart- soothing, reassuring, calming. These things are part of us just like the fear and crying.

Maybe you can join us for a group session and begin your healing journey. I clearly see that you value and love yourself and are willing to try to be whole.

with love
Laura