My dark lonely childhood

by Heidi
(Australia)

I know when my issues started. I was 6 yrs old my parents split up and my brother mum and i were all of a sudden living with this new guy. Im gonna cut my story short but basically this new guy use to mentally abuse, occasionally physical but not life threatin, me as i was the oldest my brother would of been 2 i cant remember much bout mum but she i recalled stressed about us kids upsetting her partner and told me she knows just behave when i think i tried to tell her i didnt like it.
Meanwhile i was very lonely had to do most chores alot of chores more than a child should be expected had no friends pretty much a blur i was depressed my real father i missed him he moved to another state i seen him couple times a yr. But he died when i was 8 im cuttin story really short the day he died i felt i died as well. Mum still with that guy i hated he tormented me my dad i remember so well the last time i would see him he told me he doesnt like that guy he dont trust him is he hurting you u can tell me..... But i said no everything is fine and that moment played over n over again and i regret feelin to ashamed and uncomfortable to just tell him he could have helped. When he died i cant explain how i felt but im still trying to let go my mum changed after he died she couldnt even have the strength to break it to me her partner got a real buzz breakin the news to me i can remember word for word how he told me he is cruel.
Anyhow over time i remember just goin along with it all some times i would remember fantasing for a better life makin up childish happy scenories for myself and some times i felt so down alone i would loose control cry feel so much pain but i never showed my emotions. I lived like a robot not allowed friends after school just housework i dont remember much until finally mum left him and i never felt such happiness like overeacting excitement.
Up to date come a very long way much more to tell but cant write my story to long. Im very glad i am who i am because dont ask me how but all i want is to be happy and ive always tried to self help myself i was in a relationship for 10yrs he was and is still my best friend but i loose control of my emotions thru screaming punching walls angry at my dad for dying resented my mum coz i just blamed her.. And my boyfriend would cop my anger i loose control i felt like i was going crazy i ruined our relationship he could never fix me i couldnt fix myself.
Its been a year since we split im still really improving but i really would finally like professional help and ive read and studied heaps about mental health etc this website is the first one i can relate i feel destiny i want you help so i can let demons go and finally live just a simple happy life.
Thanks Heidi
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I relate, Heidi, I relate. We have some things in common. I'd be so glad to help, just let me know if you want to do a session. I have worked in Australia, it is no problem if you have Skype.
many blessings to you
Laura