my boyfriend has childhood abandonment issues

by stacey
(new york)

I am involved with a man who was abandoned when he was three years old. Both parents place the six kids in a group home. five was girls and one boy. During the time of his placement in the group home, he only saw his parents maybe three time out of the years he stayed in the group home. The girls was picked up and taken more frequently to spend time with the parents. During his years in the group home he started using drug at the tender age of 5. So from 5 years to 18 he used drugs. At the age of 16 he was kick out of the group home and started running the street. He was incarcerated for 2 years. Upon his release he had to see an parole officer and group counseling. The counseling help him because he change his whole life style and stop using drugs at the age of 18. he's been drug free sense the age of 18 and he now 46 years old. he has a good job and been on the job for 19 years. his relationship with mother was everything to him even though she put all of her children in group home. Is mother died in 2006 and he still grieve over is mother i mean to the point where he can hear song and start crying. when we go out together and i leave him for moment. he as a tremedous attitude when i return. he crave love. he stated to me he's never been love. no matther how much i try to be understanding to his situation its putting a strain on our relationship. He wants me in his life put he has a way of push me away. he has alot of mood swings. i feel lost in this relationship and don't know how to help him.

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He HAS to be the one who wants help, who wants to change. If he doesn't have that, then he has to get what he gets. Even if you can't stay with him. It is not YOUR job to help him, and there is NO way that you can do it for him or be responsible for what happens in his life or how he feels.

I am not saying that you should tell him "get help or I am out of here." I'm just saying...you have to accept that he is the way he is and it goes deeper than deep. He won't change much unless HE sees that he really has to change in order to be happy, in order to have a good relationship.

HOW he gets help is another story. I don't have a whole lot of hope that traditional counseling is always the best answer. What comes to mind are some CDs. There are VERY GOOD hypnosis CDs, for example. I'm guessing things that he can do at home, or maybe you'd do together at home, is most likely to get him started.

I know what it is like with men. Difficult! Impossible, even, unless THEY are motivated. We women...well, we really cannot change them!

Another point to think about is why -- what is it about YOU--that needed to get into relationship with someone who is so wounded? Is this a pattern in your life? What part of you needs to be with someone who is so hurt?

Often, we do that because we ourselves have deep wounds but it is easier to be focused on THEM than on healing our own wounds. Or we think we cannot get love from a healthy person.

At any rate...my heart goes out to you both! Such a painful, heartbreaking situation. He clearly has it in him to see he needs changes and to do what it takes...that is an amazing story, him getting off the drugs like that.

Try telling him the absolute truth, like you did here. Tell him the truth of how it is for you and what you need from him, or for him. Find some way to tell him that is not threatening as best you can. Maybe ask him, does he have any ideas about how he might find healing...like he was able to do with the drugs.

Hey... maybe ask him to read the Emotional Release page on my site. You do it first...
OR even sit with him and do it together, or read it to him.

with lots of love, and wishing I could be better help.
Laura