My 26 year-old daughter has abandoment issues

by Elaine
(NOrtheast PA, USA)

I have a 26 year-old daughter, and she has a 3 year-old son. We have a toxic relationship. I would like for her to move out; however, she is afraid to be alone. She is okay with that. Sorry, but she just sucks the energy out of me.

A little background information, here. I have chronic illness. I have been hospitalized many times while she was growing up. She was only 2 1/2 when I was admitted from the ER and was gone for 2 weeks. So, then my poor child not prepared. She was mad at me, and she wanted to remain in my sister's care when I was discharged from the hospital. She did not understand that my absence was not intentional.

She was a very clingy baby and child. I was never negligent towards her. I picked her up every time she cried as an infant. I was very attentive to her needs. I knew that she was the type that needed held and lots of affection. In fact, my older 4 y.o. felt more neglected because I was always attending to his little sister's needs. She screamed the loudest, so she got the most attention. This continued through her whole life.

She was attached to my hip most of her childhood. I could never go anywhere without her. I had no social life. I went out about twice a year. And, I needed to really prepare her ahead of time. The only person that she would stay with was my sister. When she turned almost 11, she would stay with her paternal grandmother and aunt, more. This was allowing me more freedom. I even started going out when she was about 12 or 13. I never went out unless she was staying somewhere and content.

I left her father when she was only 1o months old. He saw them very infreq. However, his mother and sister were always involved with my children. I have kept a relationship with my ex-mother-in-law all these years.

My daughter is now 26 and has a 3 y.o. child. I am probably an over involved grandmother. His parents are not together. They have joint custody, and he is here every other week. My daughter lives with me. She has many other issues, and has the emotional maturity of a teenager.

I know that she loves my grandson, but her parenting skills are bordering between fair/ poor. She is overwhelmed, and I take him out a lot to give her a break.

Also, I re-married when my daughter was nearly 15. I don't believe that she ever really accepted the marriage. We have been married for almost twelve years now. We are physically, but not emotionally separated. Meaning we live apart due to his job. I talk to him every evening, and he contributes financially to the household. We see each other every other weekend. He will be retiring in a few weeks and moving back home. We have never lived alone as a couple.

I wish that my daughter would grow up and be able to live by herself. We do not get along. She emotionally abuses me. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, but is non-compliant with medication or therapy. I do not feel that I should have to put with her, if she is not willing to comply with the mental health treatment. Also, I need to hide everything, as she will steal from me.

I have been in therapy about this situation. I have allowed her to live with me because of my grandson. Honestly, I would like to have my grandson, but not her living with me. Both of my grandson's parents have many issues. I would love to have custody of him.

Before anyone thinks that I am a monster. I do not hate my daughter. I love her. I have become co-dependent because of her illness. Our relationship is toxic. I just do not want her living with me. This is definitely Failure To Launch.
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You a Monster? You mean ANGEL?
I can't responsibly give advice to such a complicated situation but I can say that I support you in getting your daughter out of your home. Unfortunately, there are bound to be many difficulties. Maybe she could have a roommate?

I think we each have a destiny and that destiny starts with our parents. Its almost impossible not to get sucked in as a grandparent. Are you willing to sue for custody? Realize his mother is his destiny.

Sounds like she definitely has either unhealed trauma or an imbalance. Is there a family history?
What can you do about it either way?

Heck, kick her out and realize that you are her destiny! Boundaries and consequences and tough love, being an adult, being motivated to survive-- can't be overestimated.

Good luck with it all, and trust in the life force to work things out in the long run. Tell her she's out and if she can't pull it off you will sue for custody. She needs motivation, you need self-preservation.

How's that for NOT giving advice:-)
with love
Laura