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Ms. Laura

by Laura
(LA)

Hello, I'm a woman in my mid-50s that recently began dating a man about 10 years older. I've been divorced for almost 20 years and have had a couple relationships along the way. He has been married 4 times with relationships in between. He is very intelligent and we enjoy conversations and other similar interests, including tango dancing. The issue here is that he is very fearful of my dancing with other men, either when he is there with me, or if I decide to dance on my own. I have assured him repeatedly that I consider this just a dance and nothing more. He has admitted that he has had abandonment issues for a long time and as a result, his ultimatum is that I can dance tango or I can be with him. While I enjoy being with him, I have great concerns that this behavior will manifest in other areas, such as controling other things I do in my life. I would very much appreciate your opinion. Thank you in advance for your response. -Laura

Comments for
Ms. Laura

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Nov 18, 2009
 Fear of Abandonment - Make it King?
by: Laura responds

Everyone has the choice to heal their abandonment issues or to allow them (and other wounds) to rule their lives. Clearly you know better and wouldn't be able to serve that king, so it wouldn't work. You could try a counter ultimatum that he get help for his abandonment issues (but even that is playing his game).

I have an expression: "Dance backwards in a dangerous way." It's your chance to see what he's made of and whether he's willing to be humble and find his inner truth in order to be in relationship with you. Dance toward the exit and see what he'll do to follow.

I know he seems intelligent, but a smart head is not a smart heart and you deserve both. (As you already know). His ultimatum is a big strike against him.

I agree with your concerns that controlling behaviors and attitudes would reign supreme (above love, above healing)

with love
Laura

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