Abandonment as a child-trying to live life as an adult....

by jaya
(wyoming)

Being an adult with abandonment issues is terrible. This problem has plagued me my whole life. I was abandoned in an orphanage, then I was abandoned in a church. Physically left, when I was four-ish-don't really know my age. I was adopted when I was six. Three years later my parents divorced. Father goes MIA-ahhh. Mom remarries great guy-two months later he dies. My grandparents both passed away a month apart. My boyfriend cheated on me with three other women-just found out. And yes I flipped out. I am freaking out over everything. I want him, I love him and then I hate him. I don't know how to handle all of these emotions. I started walking and trying to do good things for myself, but I can't shake it. I can't shake that I am not worthy, that I am not good enough. I just want to be loved and people to freaking stick around. Jeez. How do you help someone who has always been abandoned?
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I do help people with these issues all the time. You do have a severe situation. Imagine, just for the heck of it, that this is all a divine conspiracy for you to find a place of peace and strength and self worth regardless of what others do. That is only one possible "thought" - like it is a spiritual test of your mettle, that through this terrible pain, you will discover your inner gem. You CAN do this~! I don't mean to sound self-serving, but this is what I do with people like you. This is the work that I uncovered through MY terrible pain. I hope you will consider doing a session to release the pain and find your inner diamond heart.
with love and support,
Laura

Don't know what to do anymore!

by Birttany Archer
(Minnesota)

Hi... I'm 15 years old and my dad just passed away on november 8th 2010 and it has been really hard on me... it was so unexpected i never thought he would leave me until i was at least 30... i feel like im in a big dark hole with no way out... i dont know what to do????
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I'm very sorry for your enormous loss, Brittany. This is a time NOT for doing. Can you relate to the idea of this being a time for BEING. Just BE, just be WITH yourself, with your feelings. The worst thing you can do is react and try to DO something.

If you can try to sort of hypnotize yourself into an open, relaxed state of being, if you can imagine your Dad as light and spirit and soul and love, if you can bring yourself into a quiet space, try try try. Like swirled up muddy water that is settling down, the mud settles down and the water on top gets clear.

Be in a listening and feeling space. Allow your Dad's spirit and love to come to you and to soothe you and to guide you. Let your spirit receive his spirit. Don't do anything.

with love to you,
Laura

Fear of Abandonment - Georgia boy

(Rex, Ga.)

What about abondonment.. from a girlfriend? Why does it seem so hard to just let go and move on for me, and so easy for her?

Fear of Abandonment - Adult onset abondonment

by D
(MN)

My husband, age 44, died of cancer almost 2 years ago. My mother died 6 months later (of cancer, but at 85) and my father died 6 years ago of cancer.

After 1 year of my husband's death I started seeing someone that I met where my mother lived in assisted living. As it turned out, I gave my heart way too soon and he ended up being a commitment phob and tried to keep me on a string. He cheated.

I became addicted to hearing from him and spending time with him. It's been a little over 2 months since I blocked him from contacting me but I think about him almost all day, every day. It's driving me crazy.

I've sought out a counselor who is helping me sort all this out. I know he is not the one for me and the relationship created a lot of anxiety. I wish I would have never met him. At first, he seemed like just the person I'd want to spend my time with, so I idealized who I thought he was.

When he started cheating (4 times) I overlooked it thinking he would eventually want to stay with me. I finally took the step to break it off completely and it seems like it is the hardest time of my life right now.

I also think that I am hurt by the loss of so many loved ones in my life. I have read several books on abandonment and codependence. They help when I'm reading them, but the fact of the matter is that I feel so alone and it hurts every day.

I am counting on time and meditation, along with good friends to get me through all this. The only other connections I have to abandonment is from dating in early years (about 28 years ago). I didn't know I was experiencing abondonment until this break up.

please someone help me..

by kt
(lac)

i don't understand why this all happens to me.
i was bashed through primary school by all the boys in my year level and those above,.
i was sexually assualted everyday from grade 3 to grade 6 by the welfare coorindator
i have depression
i have bi-polar
i have anxiety
i have PTS
i dont know how i ahve them all but i do, and im allergic to the medication :(
ive gone through 15 counsellors.
i cut myself
i've attempted suicide twice
my best friend died in a suicide 4 years ago
this work mate of mine raped me repeatidly and set me on fire and i fell pregnant 3 years ago
i was bashed serverly and ganged raped by my boyfriend and 3 of his mates. and once again fell pregnant.
my boyfriend, my best friend of 2 years died 4 months ago from a heart attack we buried him on his 21st birthday.
my best friend moved to the UK and died of cancer in the space of a week, 1 month ago
i have only slept hours in the past 3 1/2 weeks because my childhood rapist made bail and i feel if i sleep he'll get me..

why does this always happen to me, i hate people touching my legs, espeically when the runn their hands up them, i hate people touching my ears and my face. i go into a panic attack when they do, i dont want to be intimate with anyone because of these fears, i dont like people looking at my body..
i can't look at myself and i'm a 17 year old girl.. what do i do? help me.. :(
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I suggest you say aloud as many divine things as you can. Such as: Let there be light, I am light, God help me, love and light. Look at pictures of divine people. Saints, Jesus, gurus from India. Surround your mind, your vision, your speech with everything light and divine 10000% of the time. Keep asking for God's help. Forgive everyone for everything and if you can't, just fake it till you make it. Keep saying "I forgive you for being you" to all your pain, to all your memories, to all your regrets.

Love and light ARE there for the asking so start asking and don't stop.

with love
Laura

Fear of Abandonment - widow from suicide

by denise
(pennsylvania)

I am a 30 month widow from suicide and approximately two months ago met a man who pursued me. When I was hesitant at first to even meet or date, I did get the courage to continue seeing this man. After 8 dates I was taken in by then, but he (a twice divorced man) said he could not be in a serious relationship. This devastated me to the point that it felt almost as horrific as when my husband committed suicide. I cannot understand how the rejection of this man I only dated for 8 weeks, feel as if it took all my self worth, self esteem, confidence, integrity etc. from me?? Is there some advice, or answers you could give me?

Hey Denise
I'm sorry to hear of all your pain. I'd say that this last relationship is a godsend in disguise. It is serving to bring up, to trigger, many unresolved feelings in you.

It could be that these feelings are left from your husband's suicide only. I suggest, if you can't work with a healer, that you can help yourself - perhaps - by going back in time. In your life as a child, for example, when did you have some similar feelings? And did your parents seem to have some of these feelings in their childhoods or life?

These hurts are like old ghosts groaning for attention and love. We feel horrified about them and run away and try to get rid of them. Better to befriend them, ask your feelings where they come from, what do they need. Allow yourself to feel them, they won't really hurt you. This is how you can best heal and dissolve them -so THEN you don't need yet another experience to trigger them for you.

with love
Laura

Depression Chat Rooms - 30 years

My abandonment issues go back to when I was 15 and life was secure and wonderful until my parents divorced and the rug got pulled out from under me at a HIGH RATE OF SPEED.

At the time I didn't see it coming; but now see that my dad had enormous reasons for wanting out. When he left my mother shut down (when she wasn't making it clear to me that he didn't just leave her but me as well.)

Since then I have had relationships with men that I subconsciously knew were doomed from the start- if you expect to be hurt then you're not surprised when it happens.

I am now in a three year relationship with a man who isn't anything like my previous partners and sometimes my issues still get the best of me. I'm working on communicating to him when I feel scared and making it clear that it's not his fault instead of running away-which has been my pattern.

I'm finding it difficult to understand why the more I open myself up, the more these old feelings and fears come up. Has anyone else been here before/now?
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Thanks for your submission and for raising a good question. I look forward to seeing the responses.
with love,
Laura

Laura's comment on Fear of Abandonment

by GABRIELA
(ORANGE CA USA)

THE MAN I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH NOW HAS HELPED ME REALIZE THAT I HAVE A FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. JUST BY HIM BEING SUCH A GREAT GUY THIS HAS HELPED ME COME TO THIS CONCLUSION. I KNOW IT IS BECAUSE OF MY FATHER. I HAVE MEMORIES NO ONE PERSON SHOULD HAVE. AND IT STARTS AROUND AGE 2 ½. I STRESS ALL THE TIME ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND LEAVING ME. I THINK THAT IF I AM NOT TALKING TO HIM OR NOT WITH HIM THAT HE IS THINKING OF LEAVING ME. I TRY AND TELL MYSELF THAT THIS IS IN MY HEAD AND SOMETIMES IT WORKS BUT OTHER TIMES ITS JUST SEEMS LIKE I AM A NUT CASE. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO MAKE PLANS AND DO THINGS WITHOUT HIM AND NOT WORRY. WHEN I AM WITH OTHERS I WANT TO NOT HAVE TO WONDER ABOUT WHAT HE IS DOING INSTEAD OR HAVING FUN WITH WHOMEVER I AM WITH. I DO THINK I AM A GREAT PERSON. SMART, PRETTY, INDEPENDENT, ACOMPLISHED AND THINK WHY ON EARTH WOULD HE LEAVE ME. SOMETIMES MY MIND JUST GOES CRAZY. HE IS A WONDERFUL MAN AND WE HAVE HAD ISSUES AND I KNOW THIS IS WHY. I DON’T WANT TO PUSH HIM AWAY. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM AND I KNOW THAT. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Laura responds
We make the mistake of thinking. We think that rational thoughts and logic have anything to do with what troubles us. I'm a great person, he's a great person, all this is the thinking mind making good/bad judgments and wanting logic to help.
Gabriela, you are suffering from unresolved trauma. You experienced trauma as a young child and now your relationship is triggering you. We cannot think our way out of trauma.

This usually requires professional help. It doesn't just go away. It is about your body. You must not panic and run from your feelings when they are triggered. You must practice being in your body. Practice feeling your body as a safe, solid container for you, for your feelings.

Peter Levine has some self-help books on healing trauma.

with love
Laura

Depression and Suicide Thoughts.

by Ben
(Alabama)

Hi my name is Ben, im 18 and ive been suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts for 4-5 years or since 7th Grade, i am a senior now and when i was in 7th grade i thought it was just that stage and that they would eventually go away but they didnt, but just got dramatically worse over my high school years. I just want some advice if someone has been through this and got through it. I really dont wanna do something stupid, i just feel so empty and sad, and i feel pointless and if i did kill myself then it wouldnt make a difference in nobodys life.
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Thanks for writing, Ben. I hope some readers send you some responses. It will make a difference in YOUR life Ben. Hey... How bout you find some way to make a big difference in someone's life? Sounds corny I know. but be a Big Brother, or find some volunteer work, or help a stressed out single Mom. Make friends with a lonely kid. you get the idea. Change it so it WOULD make a difference. 18 is a very hard age. 12-32 is a hard age! Usually when it is REALLY hard when you are young, it is REALLY GREAT when you are little older. And then you have all this compassion for unhappy people and they love that and need that. You might be in training for something majorly awesome, in fact, that is my bet.
love to you Ben.
Laura

Fear of Abandonment - No one is there for me

by Ammara yamin
(Houston Texas)

I don't have anyone who cares what I feel or gets that I don't think they way they do or say I do.

Not even my mom, my family, my "friends". They give better treatment to people they barely know than me who they've known for so long. I'm not mean to them and I love them all but obviously they don't love me back.

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Good for you to be loving. Maybe you are there to show them possibilities. Remember what has happened to so many loving people in history, like Jesus, Martin Luther King, and many more. It is just a reflection on their capacity to flow love. Love isn't about receiving, it is about feeling it and giving it. Figure what they do and feel is between them and their god or conscience, and none of your business. A tall order, I know, but worth it, eventually.

with love
Laura

Fear of Abandonment - Help

by Grace
(Chesapeake, Virginia, United States of America)

Please help! My parent's divorced in the summer, and I don't think my mom is able to balance us kids plus her college classes...

She is always stressed and yelling, and sometimes cusses, but at other times we can barely talk to her because she is so tired. I am practically raising my little sister, because my mom obviously failed with her. All she cares about is eating and taking the easy way out of things. She only has a couple of friends, and doesn't seem to see how much life is worth. She just cussed, and she's only nine. Her response: "Whatever."

What happened to her? She's disappearing, and so is my mom, and I don't know how to support them both by myself, because it isn't working! Nothing is working! And I can't get away from it! Why isn't anybody helping except me? Please give me advice!
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There are two main things I want you to understand. One...life can feel like it is crashing and that people are in terrible trouble but given time, things work out. Every life has ups and downs, it is like night and day, summer and winter.

You are all experiencing a difficult time, after a divorce, and you are taking on the role of the rescuer and worrier. I did that, too. It isn't good! Better to trust life, and trust that everyone, including you, is supported by life and by divine love, and you all are learning as you go.

The second thing is that the best thing you can do for life and for everyone, including yourself, is to focus on YOUR needs. Right now, you feel the need for everyone, including your sister, to be ok, to be ok the way YOU think they should be. But you will lose yourself doing that AND they will turn away from you. They cannot live according to what you want. You need to feel like everyone is ok so you can feel safe and supported.
So keep telling yourself that all IS well, you are safe, you are supported, things will work out but it is not up to you. It is not your job. YOU are your job. Tell your sister it is a tough time NOW but it will all be ok, YOU will be ok, your MOM will be ok.
Love and blessings, Laura

MOTHER AND SON'S ABANDONMENT

by ALFREDO A ATWATER
(CHARLOTTE, NC MECKLENGBURG)

HOW CAN I DETACH FROM MY TEENAGE KIDS WHO NEVER CALL ME WRITE TO ME OR SHOW REAL LOVE TO ME ?

I WAS REJECTED BY MY MOTHER THROUGHOUT ALL MY LIFE BUT IT NEVER WAS SO OBVIOUS TO ME ONLY UNTIL MY FATHER DIED ?

I REJECTED AN EX GIRLFRIEND I REALLY LOVED DEEPLY AND SOMETIMES I STILL FEEL DEEP SHAME AND GUILT.

MY EX WIFE TURNED OUT TO BE A POWERFUL SOCIOPATH. SHE ABDUCTED MY TWO SONS FROM MEXICO TO CANADA . SINCE 1996 I HAVE BEEN BATTLING THIS CASE
I GOT AS FAR AS OBTAINING MY VISITATION RIGHTS IN CANADA. MY OLDER SON IS 19 YEARS OLD HE CAME 3 DAYS TO VISIT ME TO CHARLOTTE NC WHERE I LIVE WITH MY NEW WIFE MARTHA.

HE WAS PLANNING TO COME IN JUNE AND A FEW WEEKS BEFORE VACATION TIME HE LETS ME KNOW HE IS NOT COMING.

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE IS A CONSTANT ROLLERCOASTER GAME WITH MY EX WIFE CONTROLLING THE DAM GAME OF PUNISHMENT SHE ENJOYS SO MUCH.

I THOUGHT . OOOOOHHHHHHH. WHAT A HECK! LETS GIVE THIS CHAT ROOM A TRY.
I THINK I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH SOMEONE TRYING VERY HARD TO SUCCED IN LIFE ALONE AND UNDER CONTINUED NEED FOR THE LOVE OF HIS TWO STOLEN SONS.

THANKS

ALFREDO A ATWATER