Miss Volatile.

by Sigrid
(Oakland, CA)

Well, here it goes:

My Mother is severely bipolar, a horrible alcoholic and undiagnosed but terribly obvious Borderline Personality Disorder.

My father left when I was three years old due to the insane amount of abuse he suffered at her hand. Unfortunately after he left, most of that abuse fell onto my older Brother and I. We were abused mentally, verbally emotionally and physically. At age 13 my brother had a nervous break down, was hospitalized, and eventually went to live with my father.

My father had moved to Canada and I eventually developed what I'm coming to realize as a huge abandonment issue.

I harbored resentment for both parents for obvious reasons.

There was much abuse in my life, both witnessed and personally experienced.. so much it could take up a whole novel, but I will stick to the basics here.

Recently my schizophrenic brother held down and tortured my Mother for 2 hours, stabbing her all over the body but mainly in the hands, arms and legs (not deep enough to hit any vital organs), but he did stab her twice in the temple, and slowly cut the back of her hand severing her tendons. He bashed her head in and crushed many facial bones. He also choked her many times within an inch of her life.


While that was traumatic, it is a bit off topic so back to the father issues...

Personally, I learned to view most men as inherently weak. More over I formed an opinion of love as painful, scary and fleeting.

I was molested at around age 10 by a family friends brother.

I dropped out of school, and left my horribly abusive home at age 16, to become a Bartender and develop a drinking problem (my current situation).

My intro personal relationships are an utter mess. I usually get involved with men I don't necessarily like all that much (if they leave, who cares?), or when the first signs of attachment on MY end start to happen, I sabotage the relationship by being crazy/a bitch to avoid what I feel will be inevitable heartbreak down the line.

I only fall for guys who are incapable of commitment as another defense mechanism. I was taught very low self image by my Mother but you would never know with how well I over compensate (I'm tall, well built and come off as confident). I used to have panic attacks/anxiety disorder and currently have horrible depression/alcoholism/probable BPD.

I guess my question is:
How the hell do I heal these old wounds and learn how to love and be loved in return? When one is taught a sick, flawed sense of love, how does one teach themselves a healthy positive one?

I guess it all starts with acknowledgment. So, here I am in all my dysfunctional glory. Ready to patch up the holes and get whole.

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I'd be crazy and arrogant to think I can provide even a tad of an adequate response in this venue. What comes to mind is this: Think of yourself as a blank canvas. This is your awareness or /soul
/consciousness/experiences/potential.

What you have experienced has left stains and imprints on your canvas, has created "filters" through which you see life and most importantly, how you see yourself. The truth is, we are the original canvas, not the CONTENT.

However, we have to deal with the content, the emotions, memories, beliefs, self-image, etc. How to do that?
FOUR SUGGESTIONS

The "emotional release" link on my homepage will help enormously if you do it.

Second: do some meditation practice to build a strong connection to your "canvas of awareness", so it can compete with the bad experiences in your awareness of self.

Third, sessions with me WILL HELP more than anything I know of.

Fourth, look into Byron Katie and Eckart Tolle (both are authors who make a world of difference).

It is a long road to peace and there is no road to peace, peace is the road.

Even if you never reach perfection, trust me that you can find so much progress you will cry tears of utter gratitude. Really. It happens and can happen for you.
with love
Laura