Lost little girl

by Jen
(Bellingham Wa)

I remember it vividly when I was 7 my father telling me he was moving out and gifting me with a tea set. I didnt see him again until I was 12. My sister, and brothers had moved out leaving me with just my mother who workef full time to keep us in a house. I dont have vivid memories of my siblings I just remember being alone alot. My torture would come when my dad wouldnt show to pick me up or he would be late.

Then I found boys, they gave me a sort of fulfillment, attention! That was it! My step father was an alcoholic and we would fight. I was picked on in school and had no friends, I was virtually alone, all the time. My dad only came to see me when he was forced to and when I went to his place, he would rent a movie and leave to go to a meeting or whatnot. I spent my childhood bouncing from man to man when I got bored with one (now secure when I look back on it) I would move on. I gave up my self for them, never satisfied with my life, never finding that completeness I had been searhing for. I found one guy that was sweet and had it together but I was withdrawn, I didnt like it that there was no insecurity with him (I suppose now having emotionally detached partners made me want them more). I have been betrayed by every woman I let get close to me and am just now in my 10 years of marriage starting to realize all this. My husband is an emotionally detached man and he likes it that I dont talk about my issues. I have been suffering from anxiety alone in all this madness and feel like I cant turn to him as he abandoned me twice so far in the 10 years, I always let him back in. Now I am contmeplating moving out and finding myself, as I am quite lost at the moment. I dont know if I can recover living together.

All I know is for the first time in my life, I want to do this, am ready to work through this, and feel very confident about it. Its not fair to my husband but if its what I must do then so be it, so I can progress to make myself a better person and find that lost little girl a warm pair of arms to hold her when she needs it.

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Thanks for writing, Jen. I'm sending a big warm hug, an eternal hug, to your lonely little girl. I hope things get very sweet for you.
with love
Laura