Laura's comment on Fear of Abandonment

by GABRIELA
(ORANGE CA USA)

THE MAN I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH NOW HAS HELPED ME REALIZE THAT I HAVE A FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. JUST BY HIM BEING SUCH A GREAT GUY THIS HAS HELPED ME COME TO THIS CONCLUSION. I KNOW IT IS BECAUSE OF MY FATHER. I HAVE MEMORIES NO ONE PERSON SHOULD HAVE. AND IT STARTS AROUND AGE 2 ½. I STRESS ALL THE TIME ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND LEAVING ME. I THINK THAT IF I AM NOT TALKING TO HIM OR NOT WITH HIM THAT HE IS THINKING OF LEAVING ME. I TRY AND TELL MYSELF THAT THIS IS IN MY HEAD AND SOMETIMES IT WORKS BUT OTHER TIMES ITS JUST SEEMS LIKE I AM A NUT CASE. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO MAKE PLANS AND DO THINGS WITHOUT HIM AND NOT WORRY. WHEN I AM WITH OTHERS I WANT TO NOT HAVE TO WONDER ABOUT WHAT HE IS DOING INSTEAD OR HAVING FUN WITH WHOMEVER I AM WITH. I DO THINK I AM A GREAT PERSON. SMART, PRETTY, INDEPENDENT, ACOMPLISHED AND THINK WHY ON EARTH WOULD HE LEAVE ME. SOMETIMES MY MIND JUST GOES CRAZY. HE IS A WONDERFUL MAN AND WE HAVE HAD ISSUES AND I KNOW THIS IS WHY. I DON’T WANT TO PUSH HIM AWAY. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM AND I KNOW THAT. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Laura responds
We make the mistake of thinking. We think that rational thoughts and logic have anything to do with what troubles us. I'm a great person, he's a great person, all this is the thinking mind making good/bad judgments and wanting logic to help.
Gabriela, you are suffering from unresolved trauma. You experienced trauma as a young child and now your relationship is triggering you. We cannot think our way out of trauma.

This usually requires professional help. It doesn't just go away. It is about your body. You must not panic and run from your feelings when they are triggered. You must practice being in your body. Practice feeling your body as a safe, solid container for you, for your feelings.

Peter Levine has some self-help books on healing trauma.

with love
Laura