Fear of Abandonment - who is dad?

In my thirties,
Just starting to realize
The things I always thought
Were never a big deal
Mom said "If he were a real dad, he wouldn't have left
He would've done everything he could to be in your life"
I always thought he was a piece of crap
But everyone else she was married to was a piece of crap too
When I met my dad he wasn't a bad guy
Just a guy trying to make a life for himself
I could tell there were times when he felt sorry
He was always happy at work
I didn't find out until later in life that mom was molested when she was young
I had no idea how to deal with this
There is so much hate with her
and every time i go home (which isn't as often as I should) she makes me feel guilty for leaving
every time i call it's a four hour conversation
and i feel guilty for getting off the phone then
all i want for her is to be happy
and for dad too; but i find myself saying hurtful things
hateful things that do nothing for any of us
makes me feel better for a minute, empowered
but once again guilty when i see the way it makes them feel
I always thought growing up that things were better
the fact that they didn't stay together and fight all the time
Said that I would do things differently when I was a dad
the words always echo in my mind "never have a child until you can support it"
but after 36 years and twice that many jobs in my life,
I am wondering if the children part will ever happen
Haven't even had a relationship in over ten years
Running out of people to talk to about this
Used to tell mom that she worried too much, so i always try to not worry and hope for the best
don't get me wrong, i'm not living on the street and I'm not going hungry but I have even started to alienate my closest friends and the ones I haven't alienated yet are getting pretty close
As we get older we want to be able to take care of our parents when they need that and honestly I am torn...
I've always backed away on helping my mom for fear that she would always just ask for more.
The relationships I've had have been pretty good, while they've lasted and I consider the friends i have like brothers
Luckily I've never had problems with addiction...only binge drinking and blacking out on a few occasions over the years.
Marijuana has been one of my best friends, but I hate having to escape; the rest of my life is suffering because of it. I will never rely on pharmaceuticals because I don't trust them...I've been off the cannabis for almost a month now (for the first time in almost 20 years) and my body is feeling great, but my mind is really missing it.
When I went to church when I was younger I remember learning that we should be happy with the things that we have. I know this doesn't mean material things, but for us to not covet what others have. Keep reminding myself of this.
I have started writing down my thoughts lately because it seems to help. Just always wanted to be normal
Mom always called me "gifted". IQ test scores were always great, but IQ is the ability to deal with challenges and overcome obstacles on the road of life.
Fight or flight shouldn't always end with flight.
I just want to know where I should go next.
"Counselors are paid-for friends"
but what happens when all of your friends are in the same boat (all of my close friends are children of fatherless homes) I'm sure this is no coincidence but I know that they are all dealing with it in their own ways.
I know there is no quick fix and the older I get the harder it is to find work the more bridges I burn and people I alienate.
I can't afford counseling (at least not if I want to eat and have a roof over my head) these things are important to me so for now I will result to this and hopefully somewhere find answers.