Fear of Abandonment --Puffur left me, my mom caused it

by Sarah
(USA)

My mother, hated me, hard to believe but she did. I had a pet bunny I loved, I felt it was my only source of love at the time. Even in the 5th grade when most kids got pets and their parents actually took care of them, I took care of Puffur. I cleaned out his cage, fed him, gave him water, and loved him and spent lots of time together. My parents divorced, and Dad re-married an equally selfish stepmother who did not love me and was emotionally abusive as well.

It has been so hard facing these truths, my parents actually think they loved me and can't understand to this day why I have confronted them in hopes they would change but have not and I have chosen not to put myself in relationships where I am not respected, feelings not acknowledged and so on.

So, back to Puffur, I came home from my Dad's house in the 5th grade and Nancy(mother) brings me down into the basement where I kept Puffur and tells me standing away from me that Puffur ran out of food and I see the love of my life lieing dead in his cage. I asked her why didn't she feed him and she just says she ran out food. Lies, she has no problem telling lies right to my face. I had to take care of him, I picked up his body, hard at this point, and carried him upstairs and put him in a shoe box to have a proper burial and funeral service that I was the only attendent.

Nancy offered no help, no comfort, just stood there and watched while I cried, and held Puffur in my arms and put him in a shoe box until I could bury him where I wanted to. I feel Puffur left me, even though he really had no choice, Nancy killed him. Nancy left being a mom a long time ago.

Confusing, very confusing. How do I grieve all the loss of Puffur, the pain she put me through, and understand how this has affected me, and deal with what my own mother actually did, and understand I need to give up having a mother. Very hard all at once.

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Hi Sarah
I'm very sorry for your loss(es). I understand you feel hurt, even betrayed. What you think happened and what actually happened are probably two different things---as they almost ALWAYS are for everyone. You can't really know what is inside your mother.

Regardless, you can know what is inside you. With compassion I say to you that you are caught in a mental trap of being a victim and seeing others as perpetrators. It is understandable but a now win game.

I warn you that you can easily (like all of us) spend most of your life really missing the love and happiness that is available by being in the victim role. Take a step back and look at you. What is the movie of yourself that you see?

You are powerless over anyone but you. And how you are is 90% due to your own ways of understanding or interpreting.

Want to work on your reality? Google Byron Katie. She has free self-help.

love to you and thanks for writing
Laura