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Fear of Abandonment - New to it all

by H
(Colorado)

I am currently in an amazing "real"ationship. I say real because she is the first person I have ever meet that treats me with respect and values me for who I am.

Lately (month or so) I noticed her becoming more distant. Now, she is naturally independent, so at first it wasn't anything new. A serious conversation later revealed that she believes she is dealing with the issue of abandonment. I know a bit about her past and after reading more on abandonment I believe she is right.

I just don't know what to do on my side. She is the first person I have ever felt like I could fight for. I want her to be able to heal, to get to a place where she is at peace (not sure if that is the right way to say it). I care deeply for her and I am madly in love with her and I want to be helpful to her needs but I'm at a loss on what to do.

Comments for
Fear of Abandonment - New to it all

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May 07, 2009
 Help her
by: Pete

Hi H,

I'm not a professional, just a guy who has his own issues, but who can pass on some experiences. I hope Laura will pick up on comments I may make that are not therapeutically (can't spell for crap) correct.

After reading a previous topic about someone with abandonment issues, I can only say that if you love her, help her. it seems that someone with abandonment issues will dump someone they truly love because they just can't help it. Such a person deserves someone who will stay with them and work through it together.

It seems you are in that situation. Maybe some sessions (with Laura) would give you the resources you need to help her and keep the relationship. After 51 years, I've finally found the love of my life and I would do whatever it takes to keep her... for life.
Pete
May 07, 2009
 Fear of Abandonment - partners
by: Laura (webmaster)

There is not all that much you can DO, other than continue to love her. The worst thing you can do is be reactive to her as she deals with her abandonment issues.

It sounds funny, but my husband did what I most needed - he just ignored my stuff. He gave me a safe container for a LOT of stuff to come out. He let me know he wanted to be with me and he let me go at the same time.

Here is the irony. When she is working out her abandonment issues, it could trigger YOURS! In that case, work on yours. The work you do will add to your relationship, perhaps even be the most needed ingredient.

Breathe and know- All is well.

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