Good question. There is an idea that some people are givers and they attract takers. Healthy relationships have give and take and they work it out to get balance.
Mainly what comes to mind is to stop being in relationship with anyone you don't REALLY LIKE and ADMIRE. Be able to be alone and hold out for the REALLY GOOD ones. INSIST. Find people where you feel, "I like them so much, I could hardly get mad at them." Know that you can attract great, fun, smart, true hearted people. And that you ARE one. And you deserve the very best.
AND last but not least, make it a DAILY practice to find at least one thing you truly appreciate about the person, each person. Force yourself, if you have to, to find something you appreciate and pour it on, juice it up, increase thoughts and feelings of appreciation for the person. Especially the worse ones!
You can appreciate them for teaching you the importance of independence and appreciation and learning that you want, need, deserve and INSIST on healthy relationships that are nurturing and supportive.
with lots of love, Laura
Apr 15, 2011
I ATTRACT ROMANTIC AND FRIENDSHIP RELATIONS WITH PEOPLE WHO FEAR ABANDONMENT - WHY? by: Anonymous
I don't think I have abandonment issues but perhaps I do. I have noticed recently my last romantic situation and three women friends who all fear abandonment (as they told me so) An ex- bf was first. He said, "I have abandonment issues" after we had been dating a while, however, I didn't know much about it. He acted strangely! He seemed very needy, clingy, controlling, insecure, and constantly tried to make me jealous. "This girl hit on me or I need threesome, or I took this woman out to dinner to thank her." I really just rolled my eyes at it, it was so obvious.
Then when he brought up the threesome I broke up with him. We got back together and in two weeks he takes another woman out with tickets I purchased him for a concert for his b-day. And he lied. So end of that. I
really felt aware, calm, and like he had/has issues and really most of it wasn't even personal. I felt pretty sure it's how he acts with all his gfs. Once in counceling together he said, "I'm sorry you were jealous." I said, "I'm not jealous as much as you need me to be jealous and those are two very different things."
So gf: one right now is so annoying. She told me she has a fear of abandonment and she sets me up all the time, "Do you want to go out Wed." Then she doesn't feel like it, or her back hurts, or she can't evaluate time well. So I'm sick of her. And when we talk she over-praises me and it feels like she really needs to hear how special I think she is. If a guy treated her the way she treats me she'd be mad!
A second female friend: I helped her out on many personal projects, supported her through a family debt, helped her with the estate a bit, and when I need her she's unavailable. So basically I told her I felt she wasn't there for me reciprocally, which she went on an and on about her problems and blamed me. I said I was still her friend but highly divested. As we had two very different definitions of "good friends."
So are these two sides of the same coin. It's not like I don't stick up for myself but when I do the relationship falls apart. And then they act like IM THE NEEDY one. It feels really unfair to me and I don't feel like I'm the one with the issue as much as they are looking for some one to play a certain role with and when I won't do it they blame me, don't really make up, or leave? And it all just tires me! I won't settle for being ignored, taken advantage of or be in relationships where I can't ask for some of my needs to be met. So what's my problem(s)?
Apr 30, 2009
Fear of Abandonment-Laura responds by: Laura
Whew! You have had your heart broken in so many ways, your trust destroyed, feeling rejected and un-loved, unimportant.
Yet...we have to ask. What was it about your father that your mother had to divorce him? It seems likely that he carries some deep issues.
The best thing that could have happened, that DID NOT happen, that is still not happening, is if someone was able to help you feel your loss. Feel your pain. You said a lot when you said you were supposed to feel happy when your father left.
No one was able to help you feel how you really felt, and it was not allowed.
And now, you say you CAN NOT navigate your feelings. You see, you haven't learned HOW TO, you could not- because no one could teach you, they did not know how to feel either.
Once you learn how to feel, learn what you feel, and navigate your feelings, you might resolve so many unresolved feelings. Then you might find some gifts in your past, gifts of strength, of independence, for example.
Resolve -- not that you can not navigate feelings, but that you LEARN HOW.
