running towards the storm
by Geraldine Gallegos
(Vancouver, WA U.S.A.)
I had to find someplace to vent, I'm hoping this is it. Once upon a time.....I had BALLS. I'm a 42 year old female with a 28 year old daughter and had a rough life. blah blah blah. It never bothered me till 2007. What the hell is it with 2007 any way? Why then? Why not 1976 or 1968?! It had to wait till I was kicking ass in what I thought was the prime of my life, fully developed, a good career, unleashed from my tormenting family and happily watched my baby leave home to become the utmost outstanding young lady she is today. We flew.
AND THEN!!!! Man; when the ***t hits the fan.....you just never really know what that phrase means til it comes and smacks you right in the ass with no lubricant whatsoever!~ So the lamest part of the story is my dog died. After over 10 years of having this mutt I had to put him down. I still have dreams about my "biker". Then came the time I "LOST IT!" and hauled off on my asshole brother after 40 years of his BS and got locked up.
The only witness I had in my defense was my boyfriend and he committed suicide during my incarceration. We talked of marriage.....once upon a time. That same year my dad died and I took his ass to the hospital unable to answer any of the questions the doctors asked cause I did not know him. I stranded him there.
The next year my mom died and the year after my sister died. I was cool with it. We all mourned. My way of mourning must've been intolerable to my family and I was E-jected!! It was nothing but a thing, so I fled. I was happy and vagabonding, as I do, and then 2007 happened. In only 1 year everything came to a screeching halt. No more $1700 weekly employment checks, no more employment, no more boyfriends. No more enjoying material luxuries or snowy, rainy or sunny days. It all just seemed to SUCK. Then my ball's fell off.
3 YEARS HOMELESS is what i did! Cold as a m f down and out in Oregon. That's where my ball's decided to fall off. Here I am! Stuck on chuck. I committed myself to a mental facility. Everything I ever learned in my trade, on the streets, life's lessons all flew out the door, deserted me in a capsule that God sent me in, a pod. The only difference is I'm not dead. 2007. I feel forced to say I am "humble". Pretending. So I figure "f" it, I might as well do some soul searching. If you can't beat em, join em. I'll find out who I am, what nationality I am, heritage, background, spiritual preferences and submit. I find I've got two siblings that I never knew existed from the mouth's of my own brother's and sister's. WTF. THEY could be the only 2 good one's left in this family. THEY could have had the time my other brother's and sister's didn't have to be my FAMILY. Why would my mother never tell me about these two? One brother named Mitchell and one sister named Esperanza. Now in their 50's!!!! We're already pruning. I ain't got much time to find them. I'm a damn Virgo, I don't need help being more uptight than I already am, along with other labels my doctor's placed on my "Sybil" ass. If I could have skipped the year 2007 and just jumped into 2008 I wouldn't be in this chaotic state of confusion or depression or "stuck on chuck". I would've been that much closer to buying my house, now I'm more in debt than I was before 2007. Now that I'm "humble" my friends and family don't find much time for me anymore blah blah blah. So I got myself a kitten. Good for therapy, cuddling, playing with, talking to. She ends up to have major mental problems and walks in her sleep. And it's not a good sleep, she's vicious. So I called her R.E.M. (Rapid Eye Movement). I've had her for 6 month's now and she has had diahhrea from day 1. She has covered every inch of my residence with puddles. I took her to the vet twice of which I can't afford and find she has irritable bowel syndrome. It's gotta be about 2007's fault cause I ain't never heard of nothing like this before then. Who else am I gonna blame it on? God?!
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Steve
by Steve
(Fochville, S.A)
Divorced and ex dropped kids off when she went on one of her flings. Now she is here every day to see them again. I can't deal with the hurt and anger i feel when she brings her boyfriends with. What should i do? I don't want my kids to get hurt anymore either!
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Whew...how intense. Is there anyone that can explain to her in a deep, caring, heart to heart way that it is a bad idea for her to do that? Who can ask her not to do that?
with love
Laura
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Fear of abandonment
by Bonnie
(Toledo, OH)
As a child I was a twin with an overprotective mother and a father who didn't want me or love me. He was jealous of my sister and I and I was afraid of him. He never physically attacked me but he did belittle me. I would even stay out of the rooms he was in unless someone else was in the room.
I pick men who are possessive and controlling because that gives me security but in the end I am miserable. I didn't realize how abandonment was affecting me until I was involved with a man who gave me freedom to do my own thing but is a very poor communicator. He minimizes anything that doesn't sound good and bothers him and even show distortion in his face. When things bother him, he disconnents from me emotionally and won't talk.
Between my abandonment issues and his inability to communicate (extremely quiet) my abandonment and unlovable feelings increase.
Unfortunately, I talk commonly for a period of time until it becomes too much and then I have a terrible explosion and say terrible things.
Fortunately, I have lots of friends and am very outgoing so I am not lonely. I feel I could pick a man more wisely if I could get over abandonment.
Help me. Is there any support groups in the Toledo, Ohio area?
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Hi Bonnie
I wish I knew of some support groups but I've never heard of any anywhere, actually. I have been thinking for a long time of starting some group therapy sessions on the phone. Right now, I work one on one and it is extremely effective. But there are so many who can't afford private sessions.
Group sessions have the benefit of more healing energy and also really understanding how many of us suffer the same ways. You are not alone!
If you would like to be notified when I start one, go to the "contact" page and I'll put your info on my mailing list.
I hope you can feel much better soon, and can find ways to heal and to overcome your wounds. May you have happy and healthy and nurturing relationships!
with love,
Laura
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In need of a truth.
by jhosy
(WI)
i know you're just an autotronic-response outlet, so this will make venting easier, perhaps. i think, first off, that it's saying something quiet huge if i'm spending my sunday evening talking to an automated machine in a chat room titled "abandonment q & a". it's even more depressing that i googled it. you see, my problem is that i cry everyday- i practically go through more Kleenex than I do anything else. i try to find solace in my family, but they contribute more than anything to my depression. i try to find commodity in my friends, but they simply don't understand my way of thought and think that i should conform with the thought of optimism. worst of all, i try to liven myself up- i trick myself into thinking that i'm self-sufficient,but obviously that is not the case.
i have come to the conclusion that i'm either bipolar or just PMSing all the time because I feel quite stable one day and find myself struggling to grope onto life the next.
i feel emotionally tattered; some people say that they are suffering because of quick heartbreak... well, my heart has been idly breaking over many years. i have no concrete male figure in my life, and so i find that i can't hold a stable relationship because i always leave them behind as soon as the mystery is over because i feel that they will kick me to the curb once they realize that i'm much more intricate than they originally think. you see, i grew up without a father and all i ever wondered was if he ever thought about life without me... it's been nearly 19 years since he ever held me, yet i still ponder on him like he's all that i need to fix my problems. my mother is another case- she is probably why i am so fixated on living in anger and mistrust. she changes personas more than she changes her socks. she brought me up on lies and deceit- i'm convinced. at some point in my life, she was a party-goer instead of a mother, so i never saw her from thursday morning until monday evening, and even when i did see her, all she did was yell at me- constanly, even now, she still yells at me. i don't know how to fix our broken whatever-we-have because i'm not so sure that i want to fix anything. you see, my mother simply adores everyone else because they do things for her or give her things that i don't have the means to. my sister gives her money and grandchildren, in return my mother gives her love. my cousin kisses my mother's arse so much, she practically defecates rose-tinted lip gloss- in return, my mother gives her affection. i give my mother space and offer her my most honest form of love, but since it doesn't come with a price tag or a compliment, she shoves it back in my face.
and it hurts.
like hell.
i've tried it all- talking, bonding activities... you name it. somehow, i always come out hurt. i love my mother very much, but i know that she is vain, proud, egocentric, and thinks that she is right about everything and that the world actually OWES her something. i know the kind of person she really is- light of the street, dark of her home.
knowing all that, i still crave her love, even if it's pseudonymous.
i'm disgusted at myself for even thinking about settling for that, but you need to know that most of all i am afraid.
I'm terrified of waking up only to realize that I am completely alone... as I am now, but neglect to accept.
all i want is an answer.
how do can i gleam like a diamond in a zirchonian world?
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Decide to, that's how. Really. Make it your life purpose, your mountain to summit. Take your considerable intelligence, heart, and creativity and set your sights on gleaming like a diamond. It is a beautiful and worthy goal and opponent. At the end of the day, at the end of your life, you can say "I did it." Instead of "Their influence and negative ways were stronger than me and my spirit. I was weaker than them."
My age and experience gives me only one thing that you don't yet have. Simply that I know from experience that YES, we CAN and MUST set our sights on what rings true and beautiful for us and resolve, "Even if it is the only thing I do with this life on Earth, I will do this. I will become the shining light of MY truth and belief in myself, my spirit, my struggle, my love. NO MATTER WHAT!"
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DEPRESSED, RELATIONSHIP CONFLICTED
by marcy
(scottsdale, az, us)
I am devoriced with 5 grown children. I have a boyfriend and always have, never had a single moment in my entire 50 years. I was more single when I was married as my husband was always out. I have some neurological disorders tht I can typically keep under control with medication, unlong with, I suppose depression, but I don't won't to admit that..I always have a happy go lucky attitude on the outside while crumbling on the inside. My boyfriend is a wonderful guy, but my kids won't accept him at all. He has a differnet background...and I feel as I if once again I am giving up on myself and giving everything for everyone else..just as I did in a 28 year marriage. Today I just ache inside..I don't want to hurt anyone, but I am having headaches, vertigo, and severe neckpain..ended up in the hospital on sunday. And still cn't go back to work..Sometimes, I am full of energy and can get everything done, other times and more often now..I can't do anything, but sleep. I have no one to tell..everyone thinks I am perfect and happy.
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I'm sorry you are in so much pain and conflict. What do you think would help you to feel more happy? If you WERE single? If your kids DID accept him? If you knew what you wanted and knew that you can reach toward having what you want?
When you were a child, were you taught that it is important to know yourself and what you want and what makes you happy? REALLY happy? Were you taught, by example, to trust who you are and to express who you are? Do you know how to "stake a claim" for what you stand for and take the responsibility for it, and take the fallout of it?
Not always having 100% approval? Funny, those of us who can't take conflict in our relationships end up boiling over with conflict in our inner lives.
Come clean with each person. Say what is true for you. You might find a strong place in which to stand in life.
with love
Laura
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Dealing with a close friend who is afraid of abandonment.
by Gary
There are plenty of self help things on the internet for those who are suffering from this fear, but what about those who are trying to help them? I have a close friend who is terrified I'm going to leave him. There is a girl that likes me and my friend is trying everything to make it so that won't date her because he thinks I will eave him behind.
How do you deal with a situation like this? I love my friend and want to do what's best for him. But should I give up any potential girlfriends for him?
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Good Grief NO~! Chances are you WILL leave him behind, it is most often the case when a new couple gets together. But no, you cannot be responsible for him.
Life has a way of dropping people on their bruised butts so they learn to stand up and walk. Such is the case with your friend.
Be careful about dating, since you may have some codependency and boundary issues. You may attract a woman who is also clingy and dependent (and possessive and fearful).
with love
Laura
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