Fear of Abandonment Issues: My Father left when i was born.

by marie
(california)

When my mother found out that she was pregnant with me she had told my father. His first reaction was it wasn't his. He told many lies about my mother and denied me.

My mom tricked him into getting a DNA test done after I was born. She had my fingers pricked and the results of course came back that I was his. He then left. I remember when I was younger that my moms boyfriend had wanted to adopt me and I just kept saying "No I have a dad! My dads name is Mike!"

That was all I knew about him. One night when I was about 6, my mom tells me that my Dad wanted to talk to me. All I remember was sitting on our basement stairs and talking to him about how he wanted to see me. I remember I was so excited for that entire week up to that day.

My mom told me I sat there and waited for hours with my bags packed and when it finally clicked that he was not coming I carried on with my day like nothing happened. She told me after that I didnt mention him again.

When I was nine he wanted to meet again on July 4th 1999. My mom said to me that before she told me, she argued with him for a while making sure that he was going to really come this time.

Finally after believing his story she let me talk to him on the phone. He told me that he was going to pick me up at my grandmothers house and he was going to be the one in the white grand am. He did come. When my mom told me that he was there I was so scared to meet him that I came out with a sheet on my head. I was so scared he wasnt going to like me.

We went to a fourth of July parade where I met my cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandmother. He stuck around for a year. He actually acted like a dad. He would take me shopping, hiking, taught me how to play sports, we would bike ride. We had a lot of fun. I also became very close with the neighborhood girls.

After that Christmas he started canceling his weekends with me. It went from every other weekend to once a month to once every other month, until he stopped calling. A year went by and he came back in again but only for roughly 4 months.

Long enough for me to meet my new little sister twice. Then when he left that time he didnt stay in touch until I was 15. He decided that he wanted to pick me up for my birthday. He came to get me and yelled at me to change my shorts because they were too short. I refused because my mom bought me my clothes and if he cared about what I was wearing then he should buy my clothes and help my mom out.

He kicked me out of the car and left. I didnt speak to him until I graduated. I told him I had a ticket for him and grandma and I was looking forward to him being there. They never came. After that I swore I was done trying to make someone love me that clearly didnt.

Until I had to leave for the military and we didnt have proof that my mom had full custody. My recruiter and I had to chase him down the day before I left for boot camp to get him to sign my release for the Air force. He acted like he was so proud of me and told me how much he loved me all kinds of crap. It was so fake that even my recruiter knew he was a low life.

To this day I am now 21 I have continued to talk to my dad on rare occasions, usually when I am angry and drunk. I still get so upset thinking about it all and wonder what is wrong with me and why he cant see what my mom and everyone I know sees. It kills me that no matter how much my mom tells me how proud of me she is and explains to me how amazing I am. The one person that I wish for though that is the person that doesnt deserve to know me.

When I was younger I had many issues that my mom thinks are because of what I went through with my dad. I drank a lot, did drugs, was very boy crazy, I used to cut myself, bursts of anger, etc. my dad isnt the only time I have been abandoned.

When I was 15 I almost died from alcohol poisoning and was arrested. My mom sent me to live with my aunt and cousins. My cousin Justin and I became very close. We would talk about everything. He became like my brother and best friend. On My birthday when my dad left me, we had a breakthrough he comforted me and told me about his mother. We were closer than ever.

That night he was killed in a drunk driving accident. I took it so hard. I went into spiraling depression again. I went down a horrible path and drank more than ever. I hated life. Because of my poor choices in the past I ended up getting raped at a party. At 21 now I have been raped twice.

Now that I am in the military I finally had thought I met the "one" it was only a matter of time before I deployed to Iraq. While I was deployed, after he asked my mom to marry me. He married another women and moved her into our house. I have not seen him since.

Then a year passes and again I am very much in love, happier than I have been in a very long time. It was only a matter of time before he deployed. While he was over there I didnt hear from him for a week. I thought something had happened. Turned out he was now with someone else and when he talked to me he broke up with me. This happened this past year.

That day that I found out it was like my old self came right back out. I went on a depressed drinking binge and said my goodbyes to everyone. I took about 50 pills and swallowed them with a bottle of chloroseptic. My best friend found me and called 911.

Since that day I have been trying to find my new self and figure out what is wrong with me and why I do the things I do. When I am in a relationship I constantly am pushing the person away. I have this theory- do not let anyone get close enough to hurt you. I do it with my own family who has done nothing to hurt me. I distance myself away from everyone.

Being in the military does not help either. The minute you get close to someone they leave. Anyways my mom is the one who pointed out that she thinks I have abandonment issues that were started from my dad, and the reason I took the other events so hard is because of that.

I am not a happy person. I am to the point where I feel as if I dont have a heart and I cant feel love any more.
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Thank you, Marie. There isn't room left for me to write much. So you know what you must do. Now it will be your life mission to heal and open the walls around your heart. Whew, girl, you have been through it big time.

Under it all, even under your hurts, ...the hurt is there because of the love. You are pure love. Know that, and intend with all your might that you will open and flow your love and heart regardless of all that is happening OUT THERE. It is what is inside you that counts and YOU are love.

Try the emotional release please.... not as the end all-be all-instant fix. Just a place to start.

with love
Laura