Fear of Abandonment Issues - Father

by katie
(cincinnati ohio )

My father and mother were together a short time before i was born. my mother already had a child from a previous relationship and was dealing with the death of my grandfather and was very vulnerable to lies and didnt see my father for what he was after i was born.

he began drinking heavily all the time and was increasingly abusive to my mother and brother. i am unaware if i was subject to any physical abuse but when i was four my mother and my brother packed up and we left.

my father followed us for a short while that day and when he stopped soon after my mom got notification that he wanted visitation.

for the following 3 years from when i was 4 to when i was 7 i saw my father maybe 12 times. he would drop dates and be too trashed to come and when he did we went to bars.

one day when i was 7 a date was set for visitation right before my 8th birthday and he didnt show. from that day on ward i never saw him again no cards no phone calls no contact.

im turning 16 in less than a month and lately even with my step father around its been literally hurting my heart expecially as we get closer to fathers day.

im not sure if im going through abandonment issues or not its just i never trust men, not in the least bit. i refuse to date and when i do crush on someone they are either a lot older than me or look similar to my father.

yet i cannot get over these infatuations unless i move but i also cant approach them at all i just cant. im not sure if all of this is part of what happened with my father leaving me at a young age and never having a male influence or if its just me.

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you have been through many deep traumas that taught your heart/mind/body that men and getting close means getting badly hurt. It is mostly reactions in your body. Take each memory and pay attention - very deep attention - to how the memory feels in your body. Just BE WITH all the body sensations. Eventually, if you keep doing this - eventually your body will dissolve and transform the hurt and pain into the pure energy of love that is really there inside you, underneath all the pain. Your father was too damaged to give the love you needed and yes, he caused some damage to you. BUT YOU ARE THE LOVE and you can be the love and you can heal the hurts. YOU CAN. DO it. The world needs your love, Katie.

with love for your VERY brave soul
Laura