Fear of Abandonment - Is knowing enough? What else can I do?

by Renee
(MA)

I know that I have abandonment issues. My biological dad left when I was 3 and wasn't really a participant in my life from the start. I may have not known my dad but I sure as heck wanted him to love me. How can you not love something you brought into this world?

I have always struggled with trying to understand why and naturally came to the conclusion it was me; I was so unlovable that even my dad couldn't love me. I can honestly say that at age 34 I have never had a healthy relationship. I experience mistrust, fear, rejection regardless of who I am with.

I can't believe the words spoken to me (Ex. I love you, you're amazing, beautiful, etc..). I feel like they can't possibly be talking about me or if they are I feel like ok you say that now but wait, you'll change how you feel.

I push. I push for the proof that they mean what they say. I get so caught up in that person I lose myself and my focus becomes what are they doing when I'm not around, who are they with, are they lying, cheating, just placating me with their words so I don't pick a fight or dissolve into tears.

I want the constant reassurance that the love the say they feel is real and unconditional and forever because I can't bear it getting taken away.

My need for validation becomes too much and too constant and I end up fulfilling what my initial fear was, that they would leave because they didn't really love me and in some way I wasn't good enough or special enough for them to want to fight for me.

I recognize all of this about myself but it still continues and I don't know how to fix myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura responds: I completely understand, Renee. I have been through all of this myself. My husband would tell me he'd die for me, then when he was gone "too long" doing errands, I was convinced he was with another woman. And he is 70 years old~!

You cannot fix yourself. No one can do this on their own because you are dealing with MANY different unconscious elements. You need assistance in identifying these elements and assistance with resolving the needs and hurts connected with them. This was all programmed into your brain and nervous system and emotional body very deeply.

The good news is that for the first time in the history of humankind, there ARE people (like me) that can help you. If doing sessions is out of the question for your resources, many people find some relief with EFT. But even then, with such severe and emotional issues, most get help.

May you soon be free to be you, to enjoy you, and to be in a relationship that feels wonderful to you.

with love
Laura