Fear of Abandonment Husbands' Fear

by Raica
(Texas)

I am married to a man whose father walked out when he was 3, and remarried a woman with a boy the same age. The step son grew up in the home with a full time dad, and my husband saw his dad every other weekend. (Not to mention he saw his dad raising another boy full time).

All his life he never felt he lived up to his dad's standards, and always tried to please him. He was constantly trying to get his attention.

We have been married 10 years, and we have the same fight almost weekly.

I am a very strong and independent woman, who doesn't need constant reassurance from my husband that I am loved. He, on the other hand, requires a lot of attention. He is always wanting affection, in some shape or form. I am not strictly talking about sex, but hugs, kisses, pats on the bottom, etc. If I don't do these things DAILY and if I don't do them enough, he gets angry. I don't feel I should have to show a grown man how much he is loved all the time!

I do alot for him, and raise our child, but he doesn't see those things. He measures my love for him by the physical things only.


I do realize that I need to make more of an effort, but I feel like it is never enough. advise?

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Laura responds:

Wow, Raica. This hits close to home. My husband and I have a similar dynamic, so exploring a response to you is interesting.


While nothing can replace a session for getting at deeper, unconscious patterns, here is what hits me about US in this situation:


My husband says he wants one hug a day. Truth is, I don’t always remember it. Like you, I have no trouble admitting that more from me in that department would be a good thing. However, my final feeling is that if he wants a hug, he should be responsible for getting one.


We are being nurturing and supporting (earth element). We don’t want to be responsible for the emotional well-being of our partners. That feels like they are the child and we are the mother, which leaves us without the benefit of an adult partner. We want a partner who brings an INTER-dependent energy, who gives and receives nurture and support, who is responsible for their own well-being. Yes?


I hear that you want more ACKNOWLEDGMENT for your efforts. You want to be valued, recognized and respected for your spontaneous efforts (rather than be “wrong” for what you don’t spontaneously offer). You want to feel respect for your husband. You want your husband to understand that you DO love him, in more ways than he is counting.


Did you ever hear the Gandhi quote, “You must be the change you seek to see in the world”? It is a law of attraction. Instead, give what you want to receive. This is NOT moralistic, as in "it is better to give than to receive". It is practical.


You can only attract what you are a magnet for, what you are attracts more of the same.

So give your husband acknowledgment. SLATHER it on. Truly, make it a point to express verbal appreciation, recognition, gratitude.


Appreciate and say every positive thing you can about his honor, his self-discipline, his “rightness”, goodness, strength. What a valuable part of the home team he is. Ways that you see him being successful.


Earlier, I mentioned the “earth” energy of nurture and support (the ‘mother’ energy). The metal energy is for value and acknowledgment and respect. The “metal” element is the ‘father’!

Naturally, you want to be valued and acknowledged. As do men. Men (and a woman's masculine aspects) “need” respect more than love!


When you give “metal” respect energy to your husband, he will most likely be less needy AND you will open the flow of the metal element energy in your relationship. You improve your odds of gaining the acknowledgment that you need.


This in turn might get the “love” energy flowing. (The LOVE energy is the fire element! Which needs SAFETY before it can flow. So lessening the weekly fight energy would be bound to help.)

A healthy life, a healthy relationship, depends on a balance between all elements.

I hope this helps! (I am going to try my own advice).

with love
Laura