Fear of Abandonment Healing

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Fear of Abandonment Healing

by Jeff
(Texas)

I came to your site because my wife has abandonment issues. It is something very sad to me because she just can't see it, and refuses to see it even though I have told her that she is struggling with these issues. It breaks my heart.

Years ago I had obsessive-compulsive disorder and I am now healed. I had general anxiety disorder I was healed completely just a month and a half ago. Granted it took time for the healing to take place, it happened and the freedom is amazing.

For a very long time, 32 years-- I had feelings of unworthiness. I carried this into all my relationships and even my marriage. It played a big part in the anxiety and even the OCD. Until I went on a trip, driving to Washington state, 2700 miles up, 2700 miles back. All with my co-worker. I told him that I had anxiety and we began a discussion that lasted the whole trip. We began to confess to each other all the different pains we had experienced and we both began to start healing.

About unworthiness, I began to ask a simple question that oddly helped a lot, and that was, I would look at strangers and ask myself, "Who is he to determine my self worth?", "Who is she to determine my self-worth?".

But then something amazing happened; I then began to believe and know only God can determine my worth, and He thinks I'm great and wonderful. That He loves me when I am my worst and when I am at my best. His love for me never changes. I got healed of 75-80% of the anxiety on that trip.

Then two months ago I got healed of the rest, when I finally just surrendered everything over to God, all my problems, everything. It has rocked my world in a great way. I never knew having Christ in my heart could lead to being healed, but in Luke 4:18 Jesus said that's why He came to the earth. That's my story. God bless you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura responds

Would you tell us more specifically what it is like to be with your wife? What exactly is sad? What you mean when you say she refuses to see her fear of abandonment?

And if I may, I would like to offer a thought that you inspired. Like you, my husband has to deal with my abandonment issues. I can not say what it is like for him, or course. What he does that helps me (now that I have hindsight on it) is ignore my abandonment issues. That is what it seems like anyway.

Ignoring my fear of abandonment sounds cold perhaps, but it leaves me seeing that it is only me, my stuff, my trip, my projection (and not REAL). And I think it showed faith on his part. A total faith (like the sun will rise) that my abandonment issues were all mine.

It is reassuring for me.

The other thought is that you might be able to apply your faith that all will be well eventually. People are ready when they are ready and accepting them AS IS is the best way to help them get ready.

I hope this makes sense.

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Fear of Abandonment Healing

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Apr 13, 2009

Fear of abandonment for partners
by: Laura

Dear Jeff, Wow. You struck such a strong chord in me--I cried. And I told my husband how sorry I am for all the animosity I have directed at him! I never thought about it that way before, always blaming it on my Irish temper, hormones, stress etc. So, how about that?a big jolt of deep healing from you to me. Thank you.

I know all too well the heartbreak you describe. I call it ?you can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink?. Ahh, what to do?

I find myself without words here, as there is such an enormity of human happiness at stake in so many ways. I have given my reply to you much thought and feeling. In the end, it is not my business.

I gratefully receive what you have shared and send you and your wife my sincerest best wishes.

God bless you both, Jeff.
Laura

Apr 18, 2009

Laura responds
by: Laura

Please remember that these are just thoughts that arose in me. Please do not take anything as a reprimand, though it may sound that way. I am putting a lot into this, so please acknowledge my effort and good intentions. There is no need to explain your self. I have NO judgment or opinion about you staying in your marriage. Breakups can be catalysts for healing.
Ok?

1. The typical fear of abandonment issue is unreasonable fear of being left?It does not sound like this is what your wife is doing. You know, going crazy if your whereabouts are unaccounted for, calling randomly for reassurance, being suspicious, over-reacting.

You mention abuse in her past. It sounds like fear of intimacy issues. Yes, they are all packaged together for most of us, but do you see what I mean? This could be important.

2. As I said, I relate to your heartbreak. I hear that you truly want a happy marriage with your wife. I urge you to do everything possible before you give up. PLUS giving up is one thing; staying with an attitude is another. I am married and I know how hard it is, I am constantly humbled around MY attitude! I have suggestions about what you might do before giving up OR instead of staying but unhappily.

3. My favorite quote speaks to hindsight.

To my extreme mortification, I grow wiser everyday.

You found YOUR answer, Jeff. YOURS. When I found MINE (Resonance Repatterning sessions), I too, wanted to share it and DO share it. But I have had a load of hard lessons (first: ONLY when they ASK).

The trouble with having the answer is you lose the questions. You start telling instead of listening. When you (we, me) truly integrate the light, God, love, we no longer need to speak of it. We ARE it. And that attracts without effort, heals without words. Enough said.

4. ALWAYS listen to your complaint and ask yourself; how do I do that same thing? This is NOT about blame, not about saying she does not do it. It is about the fact that life is a mirror for all of us. We can learn and grow from our relationships this way. So-her fear of intimacy. Have YOU shown her what you wrote to me? Or spoken gently of those thoughts? How does your fear of intimacy show up? This is always healing to practice. Is there ANY way that you are antagonistic toward her? Have you changed from the person she married, since you found God? Have you asked her what it has been like for her? To be married to you? Have you asked her what she needs from you? What she wants to give to you? What she wants from your marriage? What she wants for her healing?

Have you tried a marriage counselor? A Resonance Repatterning session? Counseling for your marriage issues? Often, when one person really changes and tries, the other will respond. But you have to be open to her changing in her ways. You have to give her the dignity of her soul having its own business with God, in its own private way.

With love
Laura

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Apr 18, 2009
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Submitted by: Laura

Title

Comment
Please remember that these are just thoughts that arose in me. Please do not take anything as a reprimand, though it may sound that way. I am putting a lot into this, so please acknowledge my effort and good intentions. There is no need to explain your self. I have NO judgment or opinion about you staying in your marriage. Breakups can be catalysts for healing. Ok? 1. The typical fear of abandonment issue is unreasonable fear of being left?It does not sound like this is what your wife is doing. You know, going crazy if your whereabouts are unaccounted for, calling randomly for reassurance, being suspicious, over-reacting. You mention abuse in her past. It sounds like fear of intimacy issues. Yes, they are all packaged together for most of us, but do you see what I mean? This could be important. 2. As I said, I relate to your heartbreak. I hear that you truly want a happy marriage with your wife. I urge you to do everything possible before you give up. PLUS giving up is one thing; staying with an attitude is another. I am married and I know how hard it is, I am constantly humbled around MY attitude! I have suggestions about what you might do before giving up OR instead of staying but unhappily. 3. My favorite quote speaks to hindsight. To my extreme mortification, I grow wiser everyday. You found YOUR answer, Jeff. YOURS. When I found MINE (Resonance Repatterning sessions), I too, wanted to share it and DO share it. But I have had a load of hard lessons (first: ONLY when they ASK). The trouble with having the answer is you lose the questions. You start telling instead of listening. When you (we, me) truly integrate the light, God, love, we no longer need to speak of it. We ARE it. And that attracts without effort, heals without words. Enough said. 4. ALWAYS listen to your complaint and ask yourself; how do I do that same thing? This is NOT about blame, not about saying she does not do it. It is about the fact that life is a mirror for all of us. We can learn and grow from our relationships this way. So-her fear of intimacy. Have YOU shown her what you wrote to me? Or spoken gently of those thoughts? How does your fear of intimacy show up? This is always healing to practice. Is there ANY way that you are antagonistic toward her? Have you changed from the person she married, since you found God? Have you asked her what it has been like for her? To be married to you? Have you asked her what she needs from you? What she wants to give to you? What she wants from your marriage? What she wants for her healing? Have you tried a marriage counselor? A Resonance Repatterning session? Counseling for your marriage issues? Often, when one person really changes and tries, the other will respond. But you have to be open to her changing in her ways. You have to give her the dignity of her soul having its own business with God, in its own private way. With love Laura

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Apr 19, 2009

Re:
by: Jeff in Texas

Dear Laura,

Thank you for your comments. I will consider all that you have said.

I have no problem with what you have asked. I have learned to embrace my weaknesses. That if I get really honest with myself and work on myself where I need it, it doesn't hurt me, it helps me. It hurts me when I don't get real with myself. The Bible also states over and over again. God oppresses the proud, but exalts the humble. I've learned being humble means being honest with myself about my weaknesses and sins and truly trying to change.

I am contemplating asking my wife something along the lines of where she feels I have failed her and what I can do to meet her needs. I think I know now how to sort through the answers she might give me as to what I truly need to change and what are issues for her.

We'll see what happens. God bless you, Laura.

Jeff

Apr 19, 2009

and God bless you, Jeff.
by: Laura (webmaster) Responds

It has been my great pleasure to connect with you. The world needs more men like you.

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