Fear of Abandonment Healing (Jeff continues)

by Jeff
(Texas)

Laura, thank you for such a nice response. What I mean is I have told her she struggles with these issues and she's says that she has dealt with them. But she has put up a wall between her and me, and between her and all others.

She does not let herself feel feelings very strongly. She stuffs them down, and she gets lost in her work to deal with things. She is trying to protect herself and in turn is hurting herself and our marriage. I've seen her cry maybe three times in 6 years.

She loves our cat, or shows love to it, but not to me. Because there is no risk in loving a cat. I've seen cry a few times, and most of the time it has been because of sad story involving an animal. But of course there is such a depth, so much more that a person can give her. I want to give this to her, but she won't let me.

And most of all there is the love of God she could have, if she would only reach out. She won't let down her defenses and tell me her deepest fears, her greatest dreams. I can only imagine how lonely and painful that is. I would love to have that intimacy with her.

I actually feel an animosity from her. But I know this commonly happens in women who have been abandoned or abused. Joyce Meyer explained she did the same because of the abuse she experienced; she took it out on her husband. And me being the man in my wife's life, she takes it out on me.

I try to reach out in love to her, but one of the oddest things it seems not only that it does not have an effect, but that she refuses to show any effect from it. It's an animosity that comes out, and after all these years, you just say to yourself, this just doesn't have anything to do with me. I'll take responsibility for my faults, and there's no big deal having faults, we just love each other through them. I wish we had this.

The John Mayer song, "Fathers be good to your daughters, because girls become lovers, and mothers... really speaks to me." I am praying for a break through, because selfish or not, I'm tired of being the bad guy. I hope that there is great progress soon because this is tearing me up inside. But I want to show her the love that I wanted so badly from others when I was hurting, and that God showed me and finally set me free.

I want this for her. Isn't that what we all want in our hearts when we finally admit the truth?