Fear of Abandonment - emotional abuse, withholding affection

by anika
(Kentucky)

I grew up with both parents, but it was emotionally abusive. It's hard for me to describe. I think one of the things that happened was that my Dad would be very affectionate with me sometimes, and at other times withhold affection from me, as a way of subtly controlling me and forcing me to revolve around him in an unhealthy way, almost as if he were like some sort of God or master.

It left me constantly doing things to get his attention, for example, high achievement in school and sports, and anorexic. I would also jump at the chance to do anything with him or go anywhere with him, even though it would often be something that I had no personal interest in.

I believe that I gave him parts of my heart that he should not have taken, and that I can never get back. I was obsessed with him and all during high school I felt unable to function socially unless he was around. I think he wanted me to feel like I was nothing without him.

I think that I also experienced a lot of abandonment from my peers during this time and later on in college.

The way I think this has affected my behavior is that I just basically don't trust anyone at all. I don't have any close friends. I don't visit anyone in my family or talk to them on the phone, though I do e-mail. Usually if a conversation or something goes well with another person, I often become very afraid of losing the connection.

Often I will avoid the other person because I am afraid I will do something that will make them not want to be my friend anymore, and I will have lost their friendship.

I realize that its my responsibility to react in the right way to what life has thrown at me. And that's all I can hope to do, if I want to progress beyond a totally unproductive victim mentality.

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Hey dear Anika, you are dealing with stress around bonding and separation. These issues go very deep into the unconscious as well as the brain and nervous system. You heard of endorphins? So it is kind of like that, there are cascades of stress chemicals your body has been conditioned to experience around bonding and separation.

You had no resources to process and digest and have your personal power when this all came about originally. But now you do. Now you are a woman with inner resources if you can just find a way to release your inner fears and reactions and find your core being centered strong self.

I promise you that your experiences do not have to dictate the script for the rest of your life. We humans are meant to bond, we have huge energy for it. Yours has gone awry because of your parents.

You can look at this as an opportunity to learn through experience that you do have the ultimate power over yourself and your life, with healing help. Try a Resonance Repatterning session, either with me or another practitioner. You may be amazed.

Thanks SO much for writing. Happy bonding to you~!
Laura