(Fear of Abandonment)
I want to heal my heart

by Maggie
(Canada)

My name is Maggie and I'm 21 years old.
My father died when I was 5 from Kidney Disease, and my mother was a skitzophrenic drug addict who sold my body for money for drugs when I was very young.

I have bounced from family members and foster care and group homes my whole life. I lived with my fathers first wife and husband from age 7-11 until I told my teacher that her husband was beating me with a belt.

I had some supervised visits with my mom until I was 7 when she called me to say that she couldn't see me anymore. I then when to my fathers sister for about a year, until her son (my cousin) tried to touch me sexually and I told my auntie and my whole family didn't believe me. They told me I was crazy like my mom and I ended up going to foster care.

I've had some counseling when I was younger but I didn't feel it helped me or that I needed it. Now that I've been with the same guy for 5 years whom I love with my whole heart I'm starting to realize that I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

I always felt that I had overcome everything and was better for it. But that isn't true. I'm always wondering if Justin my boyfriend loves me anymore, or if hes going to stop one day. I'm always worried he will cheat on me (he did once 2 years ago). I'm always scared that things are going to fall apart or he will leave me. I try to let go or not think about it but even little things like him going out without me makes me upset. Ive started to have anxiety attacks. I know I need to talk to someone but I don't know who.

I know Justin loves me and he wants the best for me but he has told me these feelings I have bother him. I told him they aren't his fault but I feel even more upset because I don't want him to feel like I'm crazy.


I want to be normal and accept that he loves me and not have these feelings deep down that he will stop. I want to talk to him but I don't think he understands, I don't know if anyone will. I just want to heal my heart and become a better person.

~~~~~~~~~~
Laura responds

I have a heartful of things I want to share with you. I don't want to overwhelm you with too much at once, so I am going to write bits at a time, over a few days.

The number one thing is I think you are a miracle. To have been through what you have, and to function, to be able to have a long-term relationship, to be able to say that you "want to heal your heart and become a better person" - well, I am not exaggerating when I say you are amazing. You must have a soul made of steel!

I am inspired to offer lots of ideas that may help you. For today, would you do this...

I honestly want to know how you do it. What is it in you that keeps you so strong, so healthy, so loving, so wise? Please, you can email or put it on this page, everything about you that you think has helped you come this far.

This is important, Maggie. Once you start healing, you are going to need this strong part of you to help you through it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for the kind words! They meant the world to me.
I honestly don't know if some of the things that have helped me along the way are healthy but these are some of the things that I have used to try and get over things so far.


Anger was and is the number one thing I use as a tool, I choose to be angry at the people who left me and it helps because I say that I don't need you, I didn't need you and I have came this far without you. It helps me not ask the questions why did this happen to me?, why didn't anyone step in and take me in?


Pride obviously even though it cannot be shown as I'm not in contact with any of my family. But my pride to be better then my mom and absolutely nothing like her has helped me a lot and is my motivation to be a better person. They always said I would be just like her and I'm making sure that will never happen.


Justin (my boyfriend) has helped me into believing that I can be loved even though I always have quite the opposite feeling deep down.
I try to stay positive and understand that I am no longer a victim and in order to move past this I need to realize that.


I push a lot of my energy in trying to be the best at the things I do.


From what I have heard about my father he was a great man full of love and laughter that he loved a sick woman (my mom) and I think some of my attributes even though i never really knew him have came to me through him.


He's also part of my motivation because I want him to be proud of his daughter, even though he isnt here I know in my heart he would have helped me every step of the way if given the chance.


I'm finding now that I'm older these things are getting harder for me to do, its not everyday, but some days its feels that everything that has happened to me is weighing me down. Even though i want nothing more then to get past it, for some reason its creeping into the things I do daily.


The most important thing to me is my relationship with Justin and I know I'm hurting him as I'm hurting inside.
Maggie

(Fear of Abandonment)
I go crazy!

Fear of Abandonment: I think my abandonment issues go back to when my father left us...my pregnant mother and me...when I was 2. I always feel that I will be left for another woman. I'm always suspicious and jealous. When I get triggered, like by an unexplained absence from my boyfriend..I go crazy! I know I am being crazy but I can't help it.

(Fear of Abandonment) each time

by brittney
(ohio.)

Fear of Abandonment: Each time I start to really like a guy, I end up ruining it, because I'm so constantly afraid their going to leave me I ask them so much, from being so insecure. They eventually get annoyed with me, or something, and leave me. I'm with a really sweet guy, and I cant even be happy I'm so afraid he's going to leave when I least expect it. I'm preparing myself for what I'm trying to prevent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It sounds like there were events in your childhood that led to you feeling insecure. Understanding and healing the past will go a long toward giving you more strength and joy in relationships. What happened when you were very young that shook you up?

You see, when you were young, you were not able to name or process your emotions--so now they have control of you. But now that you are older and wiser, you can work with them so that you are in control, instead of those overwhelming emotions.

Click on "Emotional Stress" on this site. It will take you step-by-step into some deep healing. Allow at least 15 minutes of private time for the process.

With love,
Laura

(Fear of Abandonment) I'm the runner

by Stacy
(Wildomar,ca)

Fear of Abandonment: When I was 4 my mother took my youngest brother and left me and my oldest brother with my dad. My dad immediately married another woman. This woman became extremely abusive to my brother and I. Some of the things she did to us were what is normally called torture.

Up until I was 16 I lived with my dad who had 3 marriages fail. In all this time not a single phone call from my mother on birthdays and holidays.

At 16 My dad sent me to live with my mom. Not a year later she kicked me out of her house.

When I was 29 my mother was diagnosed with cancer and later died. I had about 4 of the 33 years of my life with her.

That's where my issues come in. Whenever I am in a relationship it usually last no more than a year and then I'm always fishing for reasons why it has to end regardless of how happy I am with this person. In fear that I better do it before they do. Like it's my defense of not having someone leave me first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura responds:

What an incredibly difficult, painful life you are going through. No wonder you cannot stay in a relationship!

You have - of course - the issues with your what your Mom did to you. You also have at least some of the patterns and pain that SHE HAD. She must have had huge problems and abandonment issues herself, to be able to do that to you.

Then you have abandonment issues with your Dad. It is a form of abandonment, for him not to protect you from your step-mother's abuse. And you likely have some of whatever issues HE had around relationships, and what made him choose such unhappy, unhealthy women.

My heart really goes out to you. May you find healing first and true love eventually.

with love
Laura

(Fear of Abandonment)
My Mom Started the Abandonment Domino

by Rkimmy
(Montclair, NJ)

I grew up with my grandmother. My mother didn't raise me and I've never met my father. Still to this day when I talk about it or even write it I feel shame.

My mother left me with my grandparents indefinitely. She moved to New York and remarried and had my half-brother and sister.

I think I could have dealt with the situation, but she never made me feel valued or loved. She bought a home and didn't have a room or bed in it for me, she would come to visit my cousins who lived about 40 mins from my grandmom's and hang out with them and either not come to see me or come at the very end of her trip. I would call her and she would be busy or call me back when she got around to it.

I masked my sense of longing in academic achievement and a lust for food and sex. I graduated with honors from a competitive private school and started a string of relationships with men where sex was the primary focus. No emotional connection at all...on my part or theirs.

I got married to an emotionally distant man, had two children and found myself miserable. I left him and started again trying to work to survive and take care of my two kids. I got involved with religious activity and stopped having sex. Then my weight ballooned because I started using food. It's like I'm numb...nervous all the time; afraid.


I've gone through this food/sex cycle many times and my weight has ballooned up as a result. I just ended a relationship...and I realize for the first time that something is wrong and that it all goes back to this stupid abandonment and my mother.

She lives in Atlanta now and because she's older and sick is probably the most responsive she's ever been to me, but it still feels like I don't have loving support in my life.

In this last relationship (with a guy that I met online) I drew a person to me with similar issues. He too had been abandoned by his mom and dad and also sexually abused by adults as a child. It was weird because he was needier than me (I'm usually the needy one in a relationship) and kept pressing me for a commitment (as in marriage) even though it's only been like 6 months. When I told him it was too soon; he withdrew and basically our relationship ended.

My question is how do I stop this vicious cycle? How do I attract and have a healthy relationship with a person?

Fear of Abandonment - My friendships, and how i seem to lose them

by Travis N
(Lake Stevens, Wa)

I have this terrible thing where I seek out people who are generally nice, and I make friends.... I cling to my people, and do whatever I can to keep them.

I have a friend now, his name i will leave out, let's call him 'O'. He is my best friend, and an ex-lover of mine. I have only known him since November of 2008, and he is the closest person I have in my life... closer than my parents.

We do everything together. your typical best friend speal. But recently, his family has been considering moving a good 85 miles away. The closer it gets to a final decision, the more I cling to him.

I feel like the more I feel like I will lose someone I love, the more I attach myself to them. And that sometimes drives them away.

Is there anything I can do to get over that fear?: of losing people? (its my biggest fear, more than open water) And how do I keep myself from clinging to people I fear I may be losing?

~~~~~~~~
Travis, you are dealing with a significant "rite of passage". You are asking to stand strong in your center and to be connected to your source energy. It is the classic "if you love it, let it go"...a paradox. You heal it by feeling the fear and the loss and you do it again and again until you learn, until you know in every cell, that YOU ARE OK. You are much more than your fear!

It is only then that you become whole. It is only by being strong enough to let them go do you become UNclingy, UNneedy. It is only then that you become an energy field that others will be attracted to.

Fear of Abandonment -- abandonment issues or immaturity

by Sepi
(Leeds, UK)

I'm not sure but my sister thinks I may have some abandonment issues after seeing my relationship patterns. When I was about 6/7 my mother went to England to do her masters for a year (I was born and raised in Africa). She came back home, was in and out of hospital after discovering she had cancer and later died when I was 9.

My father, much as I love him, is very emotionally detached but he got remarried when I was 11, to a woman I never got along with, who also took my sister away from me.

My dad started a new job in a different country when I was 13 and then I was sent to boarding school. I'm 25 and have lived away from home since 14, going at school/university holidays.

I've realized that when I meet a guy, the minute I realize I like him, I start forcing myself to back off and try to compensate by acting very aloof. This obviously causes them to react strangely but as SOON as I sniff out a slight problem, small as it is (large in my head at the time), I literally take off and block them out of my life (erase numbers, emails, any contact details) because I'm convinced they'll leave me, so I better not be the one left behind, and I have to make sure I let them know they're being left behind by me.

It's getting ridiculous though because sometimes I create the problem in my head so that I can leave as soon as possible, and when I have and the confrontation is over, I feel really quite relieved that I am alone again, but I still miss them.

This time though I think I have really messed up as I have met the most amazing man, and I have just pulled one of my stunts - I have accused him of something from just a hunch I got and proceeded to tell him to never contact me again (but he fought back unlike the others).

So I turned it into this huge drama- now he is gone, I am alone now but I don't feel good about it this time. I may, possibly, need some sort of therapeutic interventions. Do you think I may have abandonment issues or am I just terribly immature?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura responds
Sepi, what you describe are (in my opinion) classic and severe fear of abandonment behaviors.
I do recommend therapeutic interventions. You seem like a smart and lovely person. You can likely heal with no big problems.

In addition to passing the hurdle of getting INTO a relationship is the day-to-day of BEING IN one. Without healing, a relationship will feel like pure hell (as you can probably see from reading other submissions).

Time for a LOVE life, Sepi!

Fear of Abandonment - Jenny

by Jennifer
(Oakland County, MI)

I'm 56 yrs old. My mom is 80. She left my sister and me with our Grandparents, when I was 3 yrs old. That was fine for my sister and me because we loved them and it was safe there. Mom would visit but every time she left I had the same feelings-love, hate, guilt.

She is mentally toxic to me now, even if she is not trying to be. She made sure my sis and I didn't see our dad. He's dead now. Every time I'm with her I have a 'healing' period after that can last a week or more.

I'm starting to learn explanations for why I've felt unworthy of anything. Maybe I am. Not sure yet.

Any advice?
Jennifer Mead
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have a lot on your plate, with this history. There are obvious issues with being abandoned by your Mom and the loss of any relationship with your Dad.

There are also the less obvious: All the things that created the situation to begin with. All the feelings that your mother had were felt by you when you were in the womb, an infant, and young child.

You mention that living with your Grandparents was fine because it was safe. That implies it was not safe with your mother. T

hen there are the reasons she would not allow you to see your Dad. These reasons could be simple spite or they could be that he could not be trusted.

Jenny, there is an ocean of charged feelings inside you around your mother. Even 10% of your situation would be a lot to deal with. As you can see, at your age, it is all existing inside you, only inside you. That is not a criticism, that is how we humans, and our brains, work in order for us to learn, to help protect us.

Advice in order of importance (in an ideal world):

First - do some sessions with me.

Second - have you done any of the self-help on this site?

Third - (and first) have your deepest goal and intention for your life be to heal--and forgive your mother (and father).

Fourth - accept that no matter how much you love and forgive her, there are unconscious, unresolved feelings inside you. There are unmet needs from infancy, things like security, bonding, safety, happiness.

Here is an exercise you can do: Imagine a time after your mother visited and you felt those feelings of love, hate, guilt. See how much inner conflict that would create for anyone. How confusing it would be for a child (or an adult). Put yourself in your own shoes at that time. Ask yourself...what did I need at that time? What needs did you have that were not met?

Once you have a better sense of what you needed, understand that you STILL NEED these qualities.

Allow yourself to need them. Allow yourself to feel the need. Intend that your needs are 100% healthy and right and good. Ask the divine, or your higher self, or your soul, or your angels, to help you meet your needs, that your needs are met.

Make feeling your needs and intending that they be met and that you heal be the most important thing in your life.

I hope this helps!

Fear of Abandonment - too little, too much, too late

by Lisa
(Omaha, NE)

I had been working through my abandonment issues last year. Mine started as a small girl. My mom had re-married after the death of her husband (my dad) and immediately proceeded to have kids with her new husband, blah, blah, blah, helped raise their kids, etc.

The point is I was dealing with it and starting to recover from it. The family I was part of, last summer, as I was coming out of this, pretty much disintegrated. One person moved out, a boyfriend (not mine, the other half of the couple) moved in. I moved out at the end of last summer into a basement apt and had been talking to a close friend over the net while he was serving overseas.

After some intimacies, he is off to explore his options and I'm trying not to be clingy, etc. To top things off, the current roommates I have completely mishandled bills and we started getting things shut off last week. Which is not helping with the "not being clingy."

I've been having panic attacks this week because of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Based on this little bit of information, I'd say you are primarily facing classic Earth Element issues. These are issues related to a stable, secure home environment; with feeling nurtured and abundant; with bonding; and with worry and anxiety.

If you have not already, I suggest you look into these pages on the site:

Earth Element

This pinpoints Earth Element issues. You can have the intention to bring healing to these areas. You can learn that it isn't YOU so much as an arena of life that is out of balance. You can start to prevent or avoid situations that create more of the same. You can ask what your unmet needs are around these things and do creative imaginings that these needs are getting met or that your needs were met in the past. You can do sessions with me to speed up healing.

2. To help with hidden emotions that keep re-creating your issues (so they can get resolved!)
Emotional Release

3. For panic attacks, please see:
Anxiety Attack Symptoms

AND

Overcoming Anxiety

4. For help with relationships:
Natural Remedies for Anxiety & Relationships

Let us know if anything helps!

(Fear of Abandonment)
Choosing your parents- only in Eutopia

by Renee W
(Missouri)

I'm in my late 20's. My "cute-scrap booking moment" baby story begins with my mother sitting in an abortion clinic just minutes away from the no going back moment. She spared my life that day and never once failed to remind me growing up.

She never wanted me. I was simply means to a welfare check that contributed to her drug habit. My father chose his addictions over me as well.

I chose a different path; earned a respectful position in a company.


Amazingly enough I just now realized that I am horribly broken. I need resolutions to so many things. My chipper disposition and sunshine outlook is masking REAL issues. I need to move on from them all.

If I don't I will unintentionally be destroying every relationship in my life, and it has already begun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I salute your strong, wise spirit. My mother also was in the abortion office! My father demanded it, they were 19 and students. My issue is guilt that I ruined their lives, their marriage. That is NOTHING compared to what you have been through.

My heart goes out to you as you behold your difficult truths and the healing work you face along with what is at stake.

The happy mask is a stage. Followed by another, then another. Keep present with your strength and wisdom and remember that the best thing you can do is FEEL your pain, eventually you come out knowing that you can handle life.

SUFFERING comes from NOT having the trust and freedom to feel; from avoiding feeling.

I was optimistic about being understood when I posted the bit about choosing parents. My burden, at age 50, is a perspective that may be impossible for those in their 20's to find. I was offering what has helped me along the way.

Yes, I remember rage at the idea-- I chose my parents-- because I had yet to find the "gift" of the experience.

We all want an ideal hallmark-card life. When we do not get it, we feel anger and self-pity, that we are being punished, that something is wrong with us.

What if... (all I ever intended is WHAT IF-- so we see it another way for a MOMENT). What if a soul chose to have a hard life...be gay for example, because humanity needs the growth of accepting differences?

What if people chose a life where they are ill or crippled, because humanity needs to learn compassion, or service or inspiration?

I heard of a woman whose purpose was to write. Her soul purpose was to be a leader through writing. But she kept getting too busy. She finally chose a life where she became crippled. Then she wrote. Fulfilled her destiny. And was GLAD.

WHAT IF we all have a soul purpose? and that the divine is part of it in some mysterious way? We do not have to believe that in order to ask: WHAT IF. Maybe it helps to ask that question, just for a moment.

From that kind of angle, all I am asking is that you ask...WHAT IF I MADE THIS CHOICE--what would I POSSIBLY have in mind? What would I possibly benefit from it? Another way to say it is: What have I learned from this? What do I appreciate from this? What strengths do I have as a result of this?

I gained independence, I don't have to conform to others values. I follow the beat of my own drum. Lonely and difficult...YES. Worth it? Yes. My childhood pushed me into finding REAL healing, REAL spirituality, REAL authenticity, risk taking, commitment to truth, sharing my truth, and more. AND I have the gift of purpose.

Yes, I STILL feel pain. That is part of it. Find the gains as well as the losses. You deserve at least that much. The hottest fires forge the finest steel. You are the very finest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PS
I worry that I am misunderstood, that someone hears me say that going through a childhood of drug addicted, abusive, abandoning, and sexually molesting parents is somehow a good thing.

No. I am NOT saying that. I am attempting to offer ONE angle that COULD provide something IN ADDITION to the devastation. I am saying, let us ask if there is something beside only devastation. Because finding that something is crucial to getting through the healing process.

Because I have faith that there is ultimately higher good somewhere, somehow, in each experience.

Because I have such awe and respect for the soul who has endured and survived. THAT part of you, of all of us, deserves recognition and respect and appreciation. That part of us is what will see us through. The devastated part of us does not have to define us 100% forever.

Otherwise, what would be the purpose in going through it? And we must have meaning and purpose. Perhaps that is the most important ingredient for life, and if we have NO control over anything, we at least have a say in the meanings that we find - that we create - that we feel - that we KNOW - (despite the evidence otherwise at times).

Fear of Abandonment - Jason Spencer

by jason spencer
(casper wyoming)

  I was raised on a farm in rural Wyoming.  My best friends were sheep, chickens, lambs, and my dog. I had a pet goose until thanksgiving one year.  I never had a dog my dad didn't have to put down for getting into cattle.

My parents had to work on top of the duties of the farm. From the age of 6, I would take the bus home from school, walk 3/4 of a mile to our small farm and begin the "chores." I spent the summers and nights after school alone. I lived too far from town for friends. I was a junior in high school when the farm finally became automated enough for me to play football. 

By then I was the biggest, strongest, dumbest, and socially retarded (really) guy in my class.  I am 37 years old now.  I am on my 3rd marriage.  I have 2 kids and my lovely wife likes to travel a lot, and I am too busy to go. I could keep going but suffice it to say I have no self esteem, I am 6'1 and 300 pounds, it used to be muscle, and my wife is a former primma donna and we have issues.  I am not jealous, but when she leaves or is not there for me emotionally I get worked up for seemingly no reason.

I could never figure out what my deal was until I hit rock bottom with this relationship, just today.  I learned  from the voice in the back of my head and then this web site that I need help. 


I fit every standard symptom for abandonment issues. Thank you so much for this symposium, had it not been here I would have been going to anger management getting a band aid instead of stitches.                      

For ever grateful                Jason Spencer Casper Wyoming

private

I think my abandonment issues go so far back that they are the main contributor to my whole life. I am so afraid of the damage that I "perceive" that I have done to my own kids. My boys are 18 and 23 - one is about to go to college and the other is in the Navy. When I see them I am sad because I know that they are going to leave me and they do leave me over and over and over again (to live their own lives, which I understand but that does not decrease the pain I feel) so I don't enjoy my time with them because of the overwhelming sadness. I want it to stop, i want it to go away but I don't know how - I feel like I have no ability to cope with that level of pain.

Fear of Abandonment - How far back?

Can abandonment go back to your birth experience? I was born very premature and was not able to bond with anyone for quite sometime after birth. I feel I have been both abandoner and abandoned my whole life.

Now I am in a long term relationship and have a child and feel my problems with abandonment is pushing a wedge between myself and the person I truly believe is meant for me. I feel this loss would be harder than any other. Besides what is here and professional help can you recommend more?

Fear of Abandonment -- I am driving him away. How can I stop this rollercoaster ride?

Revolutionary soldiers in my country killed my father, an attorney who fought for freedom of expression, in 1995. I was his princess, and he was my everything. My then fiancé, 12 years older than me, was an attorney, after 13 years of being together turned to drugs, cheated on me. I met my ‘hero’ who saved me from him and helped me leave him.

Now, my ‘hero’ is leaving me. I don’t want to lose him and I need to heal. Together, after I left my fiance, we went back to Jr. College continued all the way to grad school. We finished grad school this summer. We were able to do so well that we received scholarship all the way through, and graduated from engineering schools with honors.

We now work for the same company. He is 2 years younger than me but much wiser. I am at my best game when I am with him. Without him, I lose my motivation to do anything.

For instance, this week we coordinated an event for 700 people, I was able to invite VIPs that are generally hard to get to. A day later, there was an election where we wanted our candidate to win, I lobbied for a day and got all the votes necessary to win. Two days later we fought, and he wants us to call it quits.

I was so frustrated that I actually started hitting my self. I know it sounds crazy, I know I need help. I need to find a way to stay calm. You know what he gets mad about…keeping your word. Not over big things, over small things.

Not like I did not keep my word on helping him on the campaign, but I did not keep my word over small things, like do not get on the phone until I talk to you….

Do you think I have abandonment issues?

Fear of Abandonment - "I'm confused, perhaps being abandoned is why."

by Sarah
(Cape May, NJ)

When I was very young my mother became a very bad alcoholic. I feel abandoned by her because she could not get better and she let it take over her life.

I have asked a lot, "Why didn't she love me enough?" My father had been out of the picture and did not return until I was around 7.

I was always stressed and emotional as a child, always worried about what was going on and the people around me.

When I was 22 my father acted inappropriately towards me (sexually). I again felt abandoned in the way that the people who were supposed to love me the most, kept hurting me the most.

In my personal relationships I am very critical of myself, I am extremely giving and get aggitated and upset when someone does not give back like I do.

I need attention quite a bit and when I don't get it (for instance if my boyfriend doesn't text me when he usually does or doesn't call, etc.) I get VERY insecure and scared. I ask what did I do wrong? I get confused bc I dont know if its him, me, or the situation and if I'm over reacting.

He becomes frustrated with me and I become very alone and sad, feeling & thinking that he doesn't want me anymore and has become bored. He could tell me he loves me 50 times a day and the nagging heartache lingers. I need to get into a better frame of mind for him and for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura responds:

Everything you describe IS classic fear of abandonment issues. With your early childhood and family, it goes very deep. I know how much it hurts now, as you try to be healthy and in a good relationship.

A few sessions would help the most, but I know that is not an option for many people. Because of that, I am thinking about trying some group telephone sessions for very low costs. I think it can only help.

In the meantime, (as much as I hate to give a simple response to such deep, wide, and painful issues), I will offer this one thing.

What is happening is a terror of being abandoned - understandably~! Situations trigger childhood fears and feelings, a lot like post traumatic stress. You truly cannot help it. It is in your brain and nervous system and body.

So what to do? The opposite of what you want to do. It is hard, but when your fear gets triggered...be WITH YOURSELF. Stop, breathe, feel, notice all the sensations in your body. Just hold all of this in your loving embrace, not fixing, not thinking, not running. Like you would hold a scared bird or kitten.

Hold and soothe, be still, send stillness and love and reassurance - send love to the deep freaked out parts of yourself. Rock yourself like a loving mother. Be the mother for your fear that you never had.

with love
Laura

(Fear of Abandonment) I need closure

by AM
(Orlando, FL)

Fear of Abandonment: My abandonment issues are coming from being abandoned at birth, because I was born a girl - not a boy. I still had contact with my father, but when he married when I was 6 his wife demanded all contacts to be broken and they did.

We now do have communications but my father's legitimate kids are considered his 'real' kids and I'm on the side, kind of hidden. I am 40 and still cannot really face him with that.

And unfortunately history repeat itself (surprise, surprise) my son's father has abandoned him about a year ago for his new family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura responds:

Dear AM
You share so much wisdom in such a few lines! Thank you so much for sharing your personal abandonment issues.

First, let me say that I am so very sorry to hear about your son's father. Isn't something how "history repeats itself"? I know how these painful patterns are passed down the generations, which is why I am a champion for healing the past. I love the way you put that, it is so much more meaningful than saying "patterns".

I appreciate your wisdom in seeing that you need closure. That is a beautiful, healthy intention. I understand that you feel a need to "face him"...to communicate with him about your feelings. Perhaps once you find "closure", you will find a positive way to talk with him, or you will feel at peace about it.


There are many issues that come with this kind of situation. How many of us, over the centuries, have felt the pain of being rejected for being girls? Of being "less than", unworthy, unequal, unappreciated and unvalued? AND…how many sons, too, have been abandoned by their father? Yes, that is the way of it.

It is for us to finally heal these repeating histories of abandonment; to be the generation that finally has the tools to heal and to transform our abandonment issues into inner strength.


Perhaps your son's situation with his father can be improved. When you find your inner healing and closure, the healed energy will ripple out (just like the abandonment issues energy has) and it will open new possibilities for your son and his father. If nothing else, your growth
will bring wisdom and peace that you can pass on to your son.

Father issues are often connected to self worth.

• Feeling of being a burden on your parents.


•Taking responsibility for other peoples' “stuff” (co-dependency).

Tired of being the crazy one

by suzanne mcmillan
(lakeland, fl)

My mom is an alcoholic. She abandoned two sets of children. The set I am in is five. She never held me or loved me or brushed my hair or anything.

I have few memories and they are not good. One is one day I was up for school I think third grade, I went to her room where she always stayed and asked (I remember being afraid to bother her) her what I should wear and she angrily threw a dress at me and returned to bed.

I wore that dress to school, it was wrinkled and had a rip right in front so I wore a coat over it. It was a hot day. This was a normal day for me.

She would leave a lot, sometimes for years. She left us at babysitters and never returned. Once a state trooper came to our house and told us our mother may have committed suicide and I felt relief.

I cannot have a relationship with anyone romantic or otherwise. I am 46 and my brain knows what is going on but my hurt always takes over. I'm always giving and never receive.

I struggle with depression daily. I read books all the time to try and help myself but, when something happens I always revert to those hurt feelings and I am not in control any longer.

I went to therapy once and my therapist moved right when I started having progress. I was referred to another who turned the focus on my step-daughter and her issues. It made me feel that I wasn't worth the bother and of course I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to be selfish.

The only person who ever made me feel like I was important was my Granny and she has been gone about 15 years and I feel so alone. I can't afford therapy now and can't find help for myself.

When I can afford a psychiatrist they always tell me they think I am a strong person and one even said he looked up to me so what is my problem?

How do I move on? I don't think I would ever try to commit myself although, I have thought about how to do it. I have cut myself before and it did help relieve the pain for a moment but, I realized how it didn't help and it hurt too. I just feel so out of control of myself.

(Fear of Abandonment) "without"

by Bell
(San Francisco, CA)

My parents didn’t touch me, they didn’t show affection towards me. Life was depressing because we did nothing together, and till this day we don’t. No one came over our home, my dad in his room, my brother in his, and my mom fanatically praying. My parents are depressed and were as we grew up.


I was never taught anything, not even how to tie my shoe or read a book. My insides feel blank, empty, not grey and not black. I just am in deep sadness and feel unloved and neglected. I would cry for days in my room, no one came to check.


It’s over. I'm 29. I still yearn for someone to care about my pain, I still suffer that I have practiced nothing for my future. I still have that pit in my belly, I feel disorientated when I go over to their home. No life. No hope. No rescue. No boundaries.


Now I look for it in my sexually abused and neglected partner. How do I stop this bottomless pit from evolving?


Dear Bell-
Please tell me what you mean by “no boundaries”. I will give my reply careful consideration. I don’t for a minute flatter myself that I can provide substantial help this way, but I’ll be listening within for inspiration. It may or may not come.

Bell replies:

My parents are from Asia and as far as boundaries, I mean with my two girls and how I raise them or even how I raise myself.

My parents use to record my phone conversations when I was around 13 to check and see who and what I talked about with friends.

I wasn’t allowed to have boys come over or even talk on the phone.
My mother constantly tried to get me to go to our form of church, she and my family overstep my decisions on how I want to feed and discipline my kids because she feels sorry for them.

Now, I don’t spank them or verbally abuse them. I am totally a kind and holistic mother yet my mother has an issue with guilt, shame, and pity for others.

My partner is very emotionally unavailable when and only when I am intensely in emotional pain. He disregards me and tells me I am an adult and that I should take care of my own and not ask for his support. He says I need to be tough and strong. I don’t feel tough and strong when he treats me this way, I feel small, worthless, embarrassed, and angry for his reactions.

I go from anxiety, pain, worthlessness, to anger and "who gives a shit" attitude.



Dear Bell
I do not intend criticism or condemnation of you or your parents. Hear this just as you would hear someone teaching you how to make something, someone who you had asked to show you what you were doing “wrong” …so that you could learn and improve.


I hear that you want: