Fear of Abandonment - Digging the roots out
by Ginger
(VA)
I am 36, I have been doing some deep soul searching for the last 10 months for answers to the way that I am and and have been becoming for years.
My Mother is chronically depressed since my birth and way beyond that. My parents divorced when I was two and my most favorite grandpa died when I was two as well. I always clinged to and loved dearly any male figure but none stuck around consistantly. My Dad lived in TX while me, Mom and Sis lived in KS. We saw him on holiday and summers which were always fun. My sister played the peace maker while Mom and I always faught. I remember severe temper tantrums at least from the age of 3 on. I also can remember threatening suicide at that tender age though would never do it.
My mom was always very inconsistant and slept alot(depressed). When I was 15 I started drinking, drugging and promiscuity. My friends and I found it sport to sleep around. I never had a problem giving myself physically but have always had a problem giving myself emotionally(intimatly). It felt very uncomfortable to be emotionally intimate.
I think I push people away before they have opportunity to hurt me. I am highly criticle of those in my immidiate family and my fiance and I hate this because I know Im pushing them away. I will find little annoyances that create a hatred in the pit of my stomach. Annoyances such as noises they make, breathing, chewing or just little things they do. I find myself distancing myself from them. I find I am jealous, and critical of anything they find enjoyment in.
This will destroy my marriage and any hopes of a Father figure for my daughter who is 5. I didnt marry my daughters father because he was only marrying me because it was the right thing to do. I want to marry for love but then again, I wont let anyone love me!
I am digging deep the roots of what is causing my insecurity, fear, anger, guilt, anxiety, need of control and came across this website. I dont know what advise you have for me but I do seek wisdom and direction. all I want is peace in my physical body and I want to be happy and love and be loved by this man who has been fighting for me for 9 years and my family who sticks by my side even though Im difficult!! Im finding myself difficult and want answers so I dont mess my kid up or my quickly arriving marriage!!!!
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I myself used to do that same thing....being critical and full of little hatreds and pushing people away. I suspect your inner child was very hurt by your mother's inablility to meet your needs. She couldn't relate to her own inner light much less see yours and let you know how beautiful and special you are. You saw her and she meant what it is to be a woman and mother. Upsetting to say the least!
Go back in time, to when you were little. Notice your deep feelings and body sensations. Explore and ask what you wanted, what you needed. What did you want to say? What did you want her to say or do. Imagine all of these good things. Once you understand and meet your own needs, it is easier to forgive and release her.
You will find your inner light and strength. Then you can move towards people and bonding and let them in.
Tantrums and suicide threats are pretty drastic! That could have been attempts to get your needs met. It could have been an imbalance. Be careful with protein/carb balance in your diet.
with love
Laura
