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Submitted by: Laura (webmaster)

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Of course you feel lost! You must be reeling from hurt and shock and fear, and worry that the weight of your daughter's life hangs with your choices. And well they may. I can speak to you as one who has been both the child and the mother, with the gift of hind sight. There are several points I want to make but before I do, please do not think that I am in any way dismissing or minimizing the pain or the importance of what you are both going through. I'll have to trust you to remember that for me. First, as you can see, we cannot change people. We cannot control them. It follows that we cannot be overly responsible for the choices that they make. We also cannot know how they (and we) may be going through some important learning and evolution. As you probably are aware, it is often people who, in their darkest hour, find the light within and rise to greatness and leadership. So please allow at least a sliver of trust for possibilities and positive outcomes. Second. Since you can not control much of anything, yet have the potential for great influence (bad or good), it is crucial, absolutely crucial, that you come to terms with this first and foremost. Find your center, find your peace. Find ACCEPTANCE. This is what is. She is doing what she is doing. Your husband is who he is. IT IS. Find yourself within that harsh reality. When you DO, you will be able to think and love and move from center. SOME ONE must be operating from love and from center. Third. Humans are meaning making machines. WE make meanings. This sounds harsh and I'm sorry for that. What percentage of fathers, over time and across cultures, have shown up like the perfect daddys we see on TV? There are millions upon millions of girls who have lost their fathers, who have abandonment issues around fathers, for infinite reasons. Yes? And so we cannot say necessarily that your daughters behavior is solely because of his lack of involvement. This is SO important to understand. If you cannot subscribe to this, then you are putting your daughter in the role of victim. You see? Fourth. Be open to possibilities in every respect. I suggest you look at the factors of your life/childhood and her father's life/childhood. See that your daughter carries ALL of that. She inherited it unconsciously. A good place to start healing is THERE...with the her parents. AND your daughter will have a chance to NOT pass them on to her children. Fifth. Perhaps it is good for her to live with him, perhaps not. Make that ONE possibility out of MANY!!!. Keep a dialogue with your daughter. Keep an open heart! Tell her you love her, respect her, accept her. Tell her this repeatedly. Stay friends. Be someone she can come to. The factors that drive her need healing, not punishment or ultimatims, or threat of another abandonment. She needs you to love her AS IS. Sixth. If I ever saw a situation that needs a professional 3rd party, this is it. Get help! Please!

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