Fear of Abandonment - A life of worry

I'm not really sure how to put it all down here. I was never actually "abandoned" by anyone in my family, but I'm sure that my issues started young.

My mother would often tell me things like: "No one will ever love you if you don't.../or if you do..." and you could fill in the blank. There were also speeches that often followed the lines of "You've got to learn to take care of yourself. One day everyone will be gone, and you'll be all alone."

One poignant memory is the day that I did something wrong (though I don't remember what) and received "This is the reason that mother's abandon their children."

In my mother's defense, she had a hard life with my father. He didn't love her, and he made his feelings quite clear. Still, they stayed together for a long time. She also grew up with parents that were in and out of the equation for various reasons. I knew my mother loved me because when she loved me, she really loved me, but it seemed like when she didn't love me, she didn't love me at all.

My father stayed away from home as much as possible because he didn't love my mother. When he was home, he was constantly threatening to leave and assuring her that he would leave. He would often tell me that he didn't love her, and when I'd ask him why he said that he loved her on the phone, he said that's just what people say. I loved him dearly, and I didn't want him to leave.

I knew early that I had issues, but I didn't know how to name them. I invented imaginary parents (in the form of famous people) that I would dream would come and get me someday and they would love me for exactly what I was. I also developed a very strong attachment to my teddy bear, and was so afraid that I would lose him, that I tied him to me at night because I was afraid that he would fall off the bed and be eaten by the monsters under the bed (I was a child, the monsters were very real to me).

It seemed like when I got attached to people, I got very attached. I fell "head over heels" in love with family members, friends, etc. Then, for one reason or another it seemed like many of them drifted out of my life.

When I was about 14 years old, I met my best friend in the whole world and we became inseparable. She just seemed to not care about all that was wrong with me as a person and all that made me unlovable and unworthy. I believed that I couldn't be loved by anyone, except maybe her.

At this time I also attached myself to two older women, whom I made into mother figures. I was still part of my family, of course, but somehow I imagined these women could provide me with the mothering that I needed.

Over the years, there were lots of problems in those two relationships. One woman I was very close to, and even lived with her briefly while I was in college. She had some issues of her own, but of course I could help her through those and I could love her unconditionally, and I did. For 6 years I lived in what I now realize was an "emotionally abusive" relationship with her all for the sake of love, and in the end, she ended up tossing me out of her life over a stupid misunderstanding.

The second woman lasted longer as a mother figure. She liked that I was so devoted to her and that I did everything she wanted. I didn't mind doing anything she wanted, but then one day I said no. One "no" and that was the end of a 12 year relationship.

The best friend, formerly mentioned, remained my best friend for years. We went to different colleges, but spent our weekends together instead of making new college friends. Finally, our relationship started to decline. I couldn't handle her newly found friends and relationships from college, and I felt like she was beginning to hate me, so I called it quits.

For the next few years, I went through college connecting here and there with new friends. Often I would get terribly attached to them, and suffered greatly from my own abandonment issues (which I didn't know what to call them at the time). All I knew is that I was destroyed if someone didn't call when they said they would call or didn't take me with them when they went somewhere. Every single conversation was picked apart and everything offered the possible threat of them leaving me. They couldn't, after all, love me. I didn't deserve their love, and I always feared that as soon as they found out "who I really was or how I really was" then they would be gone for good.

My third year of college was what I refer to as "the dark year". I lived with another friend who also suffers from severe abandonment issues. We lived well together since neither one did anything to hurt the other, though no matter how careful we were, things would always turn up to make us doubt each other.

Then it hit...she was getting married, and another person who I had come to love deeply was moving away. I had lost all of the other friends I had made to new relationships and I felt completely alone. I didn't know what to do so I went to see a psychiatrist on campus.

After a few visits that I felt were not really helping me, I quit going to see them. I got out of it that they suspected I was BPD and had, therefore, abandonment issues. That didn't help me much.

Somehow I made it through the dark year. I graduated college and immediately moved away to do another degree. I suffered depression, but found close friends who "needed" me at the time. Miles away, I "fought" an epic court battle with my father who didn't want to pay any of the court fees that the divorce to my mother demanded he pay for my education. Hurtful things were said, including that he didn't want to claim me as his daughter and I was a terrible person, etc. Too many things were said that I don't wish to repeat here. I'd rather try to forget about them.

I returned home after that graduation and moved back in with my mother and her husband. The situation was tense, as it always had been. I worked and made friends. I reconnected with my old best friend, mended bridges, and attempted to rebuild there. I also reconnected with the other friend with abandonment issues and maintain close contact there. I also made friends with an older couple who I remain close to. Through time I started speaking to my father again, though the relationship is not "what it was" and I doubt it ever will be.

Years later I moved again and started a new job. I have encountered many people that I have "started" to make friends with, but often their actions leave me running away before we get too close. Still, I've often gotten attached enough to be affected in some way.

I've reconnected and spend a lot of time with the close friend that moved away during the dark year. She is my closest friend in the area and therefore I spend as much time with her as possible.

The problem is that I am tired of living the way that I live. I am tired of the constant hurt and fear. I'm tired of constantly thinking that everything I do is going to make the people I love leave me. I am tired of constantly waiting for it to happen and dreading that it's going to happen. I'm tired of picking apart every conversation and every comment in search of the hidden clue that they are about to disappear because so many others drift into my life and then disappear without so much as an explanation. I'm tired of wondering if anyone really loves me and doubting that they do, even when I want to believe they do. I am tired of the inner dialogue that keeps me awake at night and tells me that they don't love me, that they can't, and that I shouldn't be mad that they don't, instead I should be happy that they were nice enough to be kind to me for the time that it lasted.

Often it can be the smallest things that set me off, especially if it's something that was said or done by someone who left in the past. If I ever tell anyone that I'm upset by their actions or try to talk about my problem, I am almost immediately put off or ignored. I'm told it's irrational, and I'm sure some of it is, but I don't know what to do to make it stop.

I just want to be comfortable and calm. I want to feel loved and not spend so much time worrying. I cannot afford "professional" help at this time...but I do have hope in the future that somehow I'll get some relief from myself.
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Thank you SO MUCH for writing. I don't have much room left for a reply. I recently had a huge "AHA"
and saw my life built around avoiding feeling hurt. Now I say.."so what to hurt" and just live. Hurt is in my head and doesn't ever kill me, it only makes my life TINY. Go ahead, life, HURT ME!
WITH MUCH LOVE
Laura