Father Gone!!

by Mary
(Milwaukee, WI , USA)

When my daughter was four years old her father (who had been living in the home) was abruptly taken away by the police. What he did is not really the issue, but he was in prison (without trial) for almost two years. He was released for 3 months and at that time was able to see my daughter on a regular basis. We were no longer living in the same house, but he did see her about 4x a week.

Then, AGAIN abruptly he left...he told her that he would only be gone for a month and again it is approching two years. When he left the first time, I had told her that papa had gone on business (he traveled a lot at the time) and when he was first taken away, I had no idea that he would be gone for so long. When several weeks had passed, I told her that he had lost his passport and could not come back. She seemed to accept this, because even at four years of age, she was familiar with the use of a passport.

The story seemed to work and satify her, she would only ask about him periodically...but when she does, she crys for him and misses him a lot. So...in the past four years, she has only seen him for a total of 3 months...since he left the last time, almost two years ago, I have remarried and she is a part of a loving family.

She knows that her step-father loves her and is here to take care of her, yet she still crys out for her father. Should I have told her the truth? Could a four year old and now eight year old really understand what has happened? What type (if any) therepy should I have her in?

Kate

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If it were me, Kate, I'd look for play or art therapy for her. Also, to help her understand, you could tell her the truth using pictures or dolls. Represent her father as trying to come to her but being unable to, and her reaching for him. She needs a picture story to understand and to help her integrate and process her feelings.

You could think of it like an intense movie that never finished, left hanging in the middle. Her mind needs all the characters and situations to have the drama and conflict and then to have the resolution.

Ideally she could get some closure with her lost father. A ceremony? A letter written? If she could get closure with him, a good bye with expressing love, forgiveness, understanding, and especially appreciation for all he is and was to her, THEN she can shift to receiving a new father.

You could even depict your character, not knowing what was happening, not knowing what to do or how to explain. Being sad for yourself and for her that he is lost. Moments of fully feeling the loss. THEN the new man coming along. His character being so loving and happy to be her father. His honoring of her father and perhaps even asking for her permission to be her new father.

A father daughter ceremony!

Just heartfelt ideas for you, Kate.

Much love
Laura