Even when we say goodnight i feel abandoned
by Blue
(england)
Hey- My names Blue and i'm just realizing why i am the way i am and how it all started.
Im 25 now and am coping with an overwhelming feeling of aloneness and abandonment.
My dad left when we (I have a brother and sister) were young and we dont really know much about that. The story goes that he used to hit my mum and they broke up. He was always promising to take us out or visit etc but very rarely would show up.
I remember waiting at the top of our street for his car and although he was already very late i thought his car was aproaching and so ran down the hill to greet him, sooo exicited that the others had been wrong and that he had come but something had prevented him from being there on time, only to watch the car drive strait past our courtyard and disapear down the bottom of the road.
I was sad but i didnt understand and i didnt say anything.
my dad then got in trouble with the law and went to prison for 9years for robbing several banks. Not so smart.
I dont remember this effecting me in anyway and i am only just becoming to understand that my childhood may not have been as "normal" as i had alwayed believed. I remember always being loud and creative and happy.
As we grew up it became obvious that my mum had some issues of her own. She had eating issues,ocd, drink and drug abuse, depression, self harm in all ways and as we became teenagers these became worse and all three of us, the children, have suffered from at least one of these issues ourselfs in our adulthood.
I became clinically depressed aged 14 and was on medication. It was then my mother and i began to fight about her destructive behaviour and its effect on others.
i was sent to leave in a purpose built glorified shed in the back garden.
i felt and i feel now that i was banished from the family and blacklisted as the bad soul. I didnt understand. wasnt i right?
My Aunty explained that my mum was not well and that she was taking medicine for it but i still didnt understand what that meant.
I was sent to and from my grandparents that although took me on because i was too much to cope with at home had no such problems with me and i was happy. It felt like a family home.
I was sent back to my shed because of the lack of conflict within me and i kept myself to myself at home.
my mother finally kicked me out after my 2nd attempt to take my life at 17.
I Stayed over at mates, parties etc to prevent anyone from knowing i couldnt go home whilst still studying at college and then stayed with my boyfriend and fell pregnant at 18.
i was terrified.
My boyfriend began to beat me and i went into a womans refuge but stupidly and weakly contiued to see him.
My friends abandoned me but also hated me for being so silly and deciding to keep the baby.
Heres a secret- I never decided to have my son. i booked an abortion but come the day i ran from the bus stop and hid under his bed all day and to this day, although my little boy is thiving at five years old and our home is well kept and full of love, i still dont feel equipt to do it all alone.
2 weeks due to have my son, my boyfrind left me for someone else.
Although he beat me i was terrified to be alone. even more so of being alone with a baby.
I found a place to live and made it beautiful, finished my studies, but life is wierd. i dont feel right. My mother has become my father constantly saying she'll visit and never does and it seems to hurt more every time. My "Freinds" constantly let me down and Even if my new partner leaves to go home for the night. I feel so sad, afraid and angry. i dont want him to leave me ever and i no thats not right. i feel like i cant get anyone to commit to me in anyway. please help.
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Oh my dear. What is there to say to all this? I'm sorry you feel so sad, alone, and needy. I personally cannot believe how well you have managed! Look at all you've done! Providing a home, being a parent, being in a relationship!
I'm not dismissing your fears and pains, but I want you to know that so many...maybe even MOST...people will describe those very similar feelings. I just want you to know that you and most everyone feels that way. I remember when I did!
Do you see how very far you have come from your beginnings? How much progress you have made despite enormous immeasurable troubles? And you have hardly just begun! You are still so young, dealing with so much, with everything still feeling rocky and unstable.
You have so many good years, days, hours...to build yourself into whole and happy and solid inside. You have millions of chances to grow, to heal, to learn, to love. To forgive, to let go. TO FIND YOURSELF. You must find yourself because you are a treasure to find!!
Make your relationship WITH YOURSELF your number one job, number one need, number one crisis! TRULY. Make all else second to that, and fear anything that can take you away from that priority and commitment. EVERYTHING you are, everything you learn, commit to, love, cherish, is what your energy is feeding your child and your grandchild someday.
Feeling BLUE? Hold yourself, love yourself, be kind, listen, cherish and nurture and take care -- of you.
with love
Laura
