emotionally aware...now. :)

by Andrea
(Durham,North Carolina)

Laura, I have been knowing for awhile that I have had abandonment issues related to my childhood experiences of being physically abused at six months old(my mother said she came home to a huge bruise over my face. Then being molested by this same cousin that i can remember at age three to four. My mother also use to rub on my bottom as a child so I struggle emotionally over the years. As I got older I found myself being physically abused by my sister mentally and emotionally.

My father was only in the picture with child support money but he was not there emotionally, he was off and on constantly.

from the ages of 12-15 myself esteem was so low. I recall having boys that i liked abandon me or i abandoned them. I also found myself clingy and needy upon every boy that I liked. so when i realized that they didnt like that. I became distant with my feelings.
16-21

i fell in love with my high school sweetheart and married him and he physically and emotionally abused me. i blamed myself over and over because i felt if I havent had all these emotionally issues.(spoken like a co-dependent person)

I had to divorced him and even though we were married four years he only abused me the first half year, but that is still no excuse. i felt i had to leave him even though he mentioned that.."that was four years ago!)

I have been divorced for five years. and I still feel like he abandoned me, and threw me to the side. I often felt guilty like..why didnt he get help for himself to better our marriage. I am still kind of stuck on him in my heart.

I only have my bestfriend whom i feel is my family and i am afraid of letting other in, especially men. but even with her when we have disagreements i have to constantly tell myself she isnt going any where..and she tells me this daily and she doesnt get tired of me.(but inside i still get scared!) but i am working on my issues..

Men are interested in me, and I am interested but I have a problem with intimacy. I want someone to clearly get to know me, wholeheardetly..

I have a deep understanding of my abandonment so I trust people and even if a guy stop being interested in me. i dont get sad so that is a step! :)

thanks for allowing me to share laura. that helped me a lot! AM(Durham,NC)

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It's hard for me to respond to so much pain and suffering. I'm glad sharing helps. I do think it is important for the dark side of life to have a voice and that you can feel fully and then get to the other side. I wish you a much happier future.
with love
Laura
(I'm sorry this took so long to post, I have been on my 5 year anniversary, a trip to the beach!)