Depression Poems - sitting here in thought

by brandon keith roberts
(monrovia,california,united states)

sitting here in thought
not knowing what to do
so hard have i fought
and still i have no clue
as to why i feel this way
waiting for that one special day
when the tears stop flowing
when the anguish subsides
the day of truly knowing
where the root of it all lies
knowing then how to heal
knowing then how to truly feel
feel life to its full extent
to feel love in its entirety
to know my lifes true intent
and not always feel calamity
will these days ever come
i dont know
but i pray they do....


My name is brandon roberts and that poem was a spur of the moment one. I have many others that I've written over the years but it just felt right to convey how I feel at this particular moment in time. I know many of u will be able to relate to this and feel where I'm coming from.

When I was younger my dad was really hard on us. He never beat us but he whipped us with belts and smacked us in the lip so hard when we swore one of my moms 5 kids would always have a fat lip. But overall he loved us and just did what he thought was best for us.

The real trouble began after he died, for when he died in 2001 my mom kinda died along with him. She stopped trying.

My new stepdad lived with us for 8 years and at first it was ok but then the real him came out. An angry alcoholic who we would avoid at all costs but even he did what he thought was best for us. He once told me the reason he's so hard on me was because if we could survive him we could survive anything.

Which I never fully understood, I see his intent but you don't rage like he did everyday to toughen us up. But in his defense we never were able of showing him any love for he wasn't dad. Even though he took care of us and we couldn't have made it financially without him.....we just couldn't show him the love.

Once he started drinking heavily I began cutting.

There was a time that I couldnt go a day without cutting at least once and I did some so deep if they had been on my wrist instead of the top of my arm I would not be here today. My mother used to always say he's just doing it for attention... but anyone who's truly gone thru that knows that's the exact oposite of what we want.

We desperately try to hide it--becoming all consumed in the secret that it becomes our whole lives. Cutting and hiding them, making excuses like my cat did it or whatever we can say to keep the questions at bay.

I asked my mother to get me psychological help as a teen and she searched for a day then gave up. Now as I'm almost 22 years old and have no insurance I dont know how to go about getting treatment. So im stuck like I'm sure many others out there are. There is more to my story but its too long to type here -lol.

But i know my parents were products of their environment....so I can't blame them completely for how I am today. A lot of it is just my genetics, depression runs on both sides of my family so I basically got the shaft there. And I know I havn't had it NEARLY as hard as others.

But I still just can't really cope with my past and move on. I feel so totally weak cause others can go thru a thing a million times worse and just deal with it just fine...but not me. I mean I dont know what the hells wrong with me. But thats why I'm here I guess, like all of u. I mean theres nothing wrong with us, we're just in pain and need someone to help us thru so thats what I'm hoping this site can do for me. Help me to understand...

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Brandon, your poem and what you say are beautiful and I hope you appreciate what depth and intelligence and sensitivity you have. Try the Stress Release Process, some say they do it over and over and it helps alot. Know that you can grow past the past and create a future for yourself. That's your job. Maybe you'll grow into someone who helps kids who suffer like you did. We need you, Brandon~! Laura
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