Depression Poems - A Father's Love

by Tara A.
(Kentucky)

I search for it
Where it can’t be found
I study it
Circling around

I spin my web
I conceal my ad
Obsessed to find
What I never had

One by one each
Assume they’re blessed
Yet unaware
Of the simple test

Targeting those
I know can not win
Force them to choose
Of virtue or sin

Merely worthless
Unless risks are high
And never love
Unless he makes me cry

It’s like I have
Something key to prove
To him? or myself?
I’m worthy to lose

Aware of this
Yet can not defy
A father’s love
I’m forever dry

My story...is probably like most others on this site. My father walked out when my mother was 8 months pregnant with me. We were children of convenience for him only; I only saw him here and there; mostly not at all. My mother then married and stayed with a man that mistreated her and us very badly, which only reinforced my worth. I grew up, specifically married a man that treated me well; we were the best of friends. Yet he cheated and emotionally abandoned me. I realized at age 36 that I am damned. I only know love to equal insecurity; and if that is all I know, then to be happy I must be unhappy. I can acknowledge this, but it does nothing to change what has been etched on my "mother board". I am smart enough to know better, yet not strong enough to follow my own internal advice. When the two people in life who are to love you the most turn their back on you in some way, you lose the ability to trust anyone really. I don't see how that can be fixed, but I do hold out hope.

~~~~~~~~~~~
With compassion I say to you that: "yet not strong enough" CAN be changed to "not YET strong enough."
The wound can be the place where we search and find and develop our own grace and inner light. As you say, there are millions who have not known a father's love or a mothers love. Many find their inner parents, their inner love and support, and it can even be all the stronger than those who faced no such challenges. Intend it for yourself and ask for the support and guidance to attract it into your being.
with love,
Laura