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Mother and Father divorced when I was 18 months old. Father raised me. Never knew there was more to the story. Mother "seemed" to love me as I was growing up--she had other children--I was excited about this. Father made great strides for Mother and I to be close. Found out when I was 18, that Mother really never told any of her friends about me. Found out when I was 40+ that Mother never told any of her husbands about me. How did she get around that? Don't know. Found out also that she had been telling siblings and their subsequent family that I was not really her child, but was really her sister. I have letters dating back to when I was little that expressed her title of Mother to me as well as her love for me. I have a birth certificate with her listed as my Mother. I have pictures of her holding me when I was a baby. I have not heard this story from any of my Mother's family nor my Father's. Here I am at 58 years of age and find myself angry with her---not so much for leaving me when I was an infant,but leaving me through the years! I do have some personality quirks ( am a perfectionist) have low self esteem, need to be needed, and am a people pleaser. I do have bouts of depression that come seemingly out of nowhere. Mainly, I find myself angry as I type this. I was taught by my Father I shouldn't be angry with Mother, because she was my Mother. Only, I guess,emotionally, she wasn't my Mother. Does all this sound as screwy as I feel it does?

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I can only guess that your Mother hid the situation with you because it is so shocking to people for a mother to leave a child. For her to do that and all the other things you mention she may have something wrong with her mentally or emotionally. Who knows, perhaps not being raised by her was a blessing in disguise, may have prevented some other forms of damage to you.

Your Father was well meaning, of course, when he said not to be angry with your Mother, but that is just plain impossible (unless you happen to be born as a Saint).

Anger is simply what happens when we want something. Something natural and wonderful like for our Mother to mother us, or to at least acknowledge us as her child. We want our Mother to gives us lots and lots of things, mother love and devotion. That is natural, not screwy. So the energy inside you that wants these wonderful things, like the simple truth for example, is thwarted and blocked and feels powerless.

That is all that anger is. If you allow yourself to feel it, really feel it fully and completely, with no shame about it, and no fear of it, you can begin to dissolve and heal it. You can move on with your life and happiness.

You might even find some shifts in your personality. Perfectionism can stem from a rigid need to feel valuable and earn love. Love yourself and all your feelings.

It is your Mother who has the problem, not you. At your age, you are going through a life transition. Be authentic with yourself.

with love
Laura