Childhood Abandonment Issues - I raise a 9 Year old who is not biologically mine

by Meagan
(Richmond Hill, GA USA)

I raise a 9 year old girl who is not my daughter by blood. I have been in her life since she was a year old. Her mother left her when she was two, she had very bad drug addicts. Her father stayed but he has never been a constant in her life.

Her mother moved back after 7 and a half years of being gone and my little girl has started going through some very rough issues. She has severe abandonment issues regarding her mother, but also wants the chance to get to know her mother. I recently started dating for the first time since I started raising her and it has stirred up some very hostile feelings.

She adores my boyfriend, but she won't let us anywhere near each other. She thinks that her role has deminished or that I am going to leave her. Regardless of what I try to do, spend alone time with her, include her in all that we do, she still throws tantrums.

She is a very unstable situation with her biological parents and my new situation has her adjusting while dealing with these other changes. It's been a rough battle. I'm not sure what to do. Her parents are both without jobs and still using drugs, I'm just stuck.
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I gave this a long time to percolate, waiting for an idea that can help. Now finally, here it is.

Obviously she has loads of unresolved traumas and there are new ones coming all the time. She has hair triggers but on the good side, she has strong spirit and self-protection instincts. In other words, she hasn't gone numb. For seeing parents on drugs, I strongly recommend you look into Al Anon resources - one MUST become educated about the realities of being in relationship with users.
Crucial objectivity and healthy understanding is offered!

For her traumas and triggers I suggest that you support her in making a picture story book of her life. You might do one for your life while she does hers. Let her LEAD and you match. Ask questions: -What did it look like before you were born?- Then you might draw a little picture of what it looked like before YOU were born. (Perhaps a scene with your parents & home?)

If she instead draws a picture of AFTER she was born, for example, then just observe and follow as she leads what she wants to focus on.

BIG picture: She needs a life story that goes from A to Z. Past first. Then PRESENT. Then future. This gives her a coherence, a through line in which to get some perspective. She can see her life as like a necklace with beads of events that keeps going. It helps her find the places where the story is unresolved and jumbled up inside her.

She needs to process and organize the jumbled places. Hopefully she can then begin to story out the present time and see how it is safer. If you can listen carefully, you may hear where her fears and unmet needs and hurts reside.

Ask her, along the way, as she tells the stories with the pictures, -What did you want X to do or say?- If she can say what she wanted (Mommy to stay, for example, maybe draw a picture of that!)

This can be especially helpful for the present. Discover what she wants you to do or say and help her experience that as much as possible. Reassure her about the future.

It is all about resolution and completion of unfinished feelings and needs.

All love and blessings to you all.
Laura