Child with abandonment issues - I need help

by Dawn
(Oklahoma)

I am married to a man that has a daughter. She is now eleven, and her mother left six years ago. She currently lives next door to us with my husband's Aunt, who she calls mommy.

She has had a lot of insecurity issues, from not wanting her dad to marry me to sleeping only in her Aunt's bed to now not wanting to spend the night anywhere except her home.

The first two are resolved for now and she keeps going back and forth with the last one . More disturbingly, she has recently said that if her dad and I have babies, she'll just kill them.

And more recently, she asked a stranger she met over the Internet to be her mother. Needless to say, accounts have been suspended and my husband has to approve whatever website she wants to use.

They've talked about getting her into therapy, but haven't done so as of yet. I don't know how to handle her increasing issues.

I am scared for her and for my future children. How do I deal with this child and her abandonment issues?
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Laura responds:
Before I offer suggestions, I need more information. Here are some questions you might respond to, to help me get a context.

*Why doesn't she live with you and her father?

*Is she in contact with anyone on her mother's side?

*What is her mother's story? Why did she leave? What kind of mother was she? What kind of environment was the girl born into?

*What is the girl's relationship with her father like?

*What is her Great Aunt, her "Mommy" like? Is she anxious? Happy to have her?

*What is the girl told about her mother?

*Do people speak about her mother? In what way?

*Is there an environment of open or meaningful communication? Are "things" spoken of?

*What kind of relationship do you and the girl have? Is it possible or natural for you to talk about her mother with her?

*What does the girl relate to? Books, movies? What kind? What is she like aside from these quirks you mentioned? Is she "normal" with friends and school, etc.?

And last but not least, what about you? Are you a fearful/anxious person? Do you feel you have the power to "deal" with life? To bring positive change to your life? To overcome difficulties? Are you "bigger than your fears"? Do you have, or recall, abandonment issues of your own? Have you resolved them?

I look forward to hearing from you, Dawn. Thanks for writing. I'm hoping I can help you to help her...and yourself in the process.

with love
Laura