BUM (back up mom!)

by Raine
(oregon)

So I Left a message earlier about my concern for my 13 yr old step son, whom i adore as my own. How can I help him know that his mother still loves him no less, but that it is her issues she has to deal with. He is going to stay with his dad and myself... with open arms. I know he feels comfortable around us already, but think that he will change emotionally when the news is broke to him that he is going to live with us. I want him to live here... he will be more loved and better off. I know that his mom loves him, but not as much as the first (my oldest stepson). Our 13 yr old is left alone a lot while she is at the bar or where ever she is. I am also scared that he is going from a house with a friend parent to a house with real parents (who parent first). Time, love, and emotional stability is what I believe is the key core for healthy children. I am at a loss... for I know he will be devastated. I guess I am reaching out for a little help is the beginning stages of helping him be the best 13 yr old he can be with all this adult hoopla that has nothing to do with him. My heart is breaking. Thanks~Raine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry to take so long, Raine! Computer crashed, of all things. The best thing you can do seems like what you ARE doing. Be a happy, compassionate, non-reactive, realistic, loving and centered adult woman for him. Know that he, even in the PERFECT circumstances, will likely go through turbulent times inside and outside his self. Know that this is part of the divine unfolding but unknowable path of life. Know that he has the inner character, love, strength, and wisdom to eventually work it out. Know that his pain is real and even overwhelming at times but that it will ultimately serve to make him a deeper and bigger man. That we cannot know how these lessons and trials and tests are for the higher good at this time but in time it may be clear.

Know for him (when he may not be ready to know for himself) that people are typically full of pain and feelings of emptiness and of being broken. That his mother is desperately trying to find herself. That people VERY OFTEN cannot - simply do not have the ingredients - to 'be there for us' in the way we need them to. That this is plain and simple reality for most human beings. There are so many ways that people are not there for us. If we take it personally and interpret it to mean there is something unlovable about US, or even THEM, then we end up like them in the end. Broken and unavailable for the best things in life. However, if we realize "this is how it is, no matter how much it hurts us," then we can find the OK place inside ourselves and we can be different, we can be tuned into the needs we have and others have.

May you be aware of the love and light within you through it all.
Laura