breaking the ladder

I grew up with a mother who had been abandoned at birth. She was given up for adoption. She spent the first months of her life at The Children's Home Society of Los Angeles. I believe this turn of events created an abandonement depression in her that ran its course for her whole entire life. The first mental break i witnessed with my mother was when she and my father broke up. The marriage was over and he left her for another woman. My mom spent the next year on Thorazine and sleeping in the attic. I was 7 years old. I would have to pull a rope to release a ladder down so that i could climb up it push the trap door open walk along the rafters to the mattress where my mother slept in the dark all day long. As a 7 year old I didn't understand why she was the way she was. She hardly moved. I think at times I thought she was dead. I remember kids at school asking me what was wrong with my mom because they had heard things about her depression. I would say I don't know because I didn't I had the same question, what is wrong with my mom? As the years went on my mom came out of her slumber, but only to get into partying with men and using drugs. She lived in Hippy Communes and lead an alternative lifestyle which made it hard to get her attention. With every man that came into her life, and every man that left her came a major mental break. She would literally collapse and need all the care and support she could get to gather a semblance of herself back together again. I would be there to tell her she was special, pretty, worth love, worth more than anything these men could ever show her or give her. I was 10 years old trying to show my mom her light within. I worked very hard as a child to help her, save her, lift her up never knowing the history and depth of her abandonement issues. Life went on and we all grew and things got better after my mom joined Al-anon and started therapy. I was 14 years old when she started getting her life together, unfortunately by that time I was starting to experience some of my own depression, anxiety, unworthieness, and shame. At age 17 I became suicidal. I felt very unloveable and like I didn't matter. As the years went on I became involved with questionable men myself, like my mother I chose and was chosen by men who used me, lied to me, hurt me. I felt i deserved it, so I took it. Why did i deserve this? I am now in my 40's, have a beautiful daughter, divorced and with many years of therapy on my side have started to open my heart to true love. I thought i was ready. I met a man, we fell in love, and for the first time had someone who i think truely loved me. Things were okay for the first 5 months and then all of my fears woke up of being abandoned, of being hurt, of being lied to. I started to accuse him of things that he wasn't doing. I broke up with him over and over until he said he couldn't take it any more. He said he loved me, but he had to take care of himself and protect himself from me and my hurt of him. I am devastated that my life history affects my ability to have love in my life. Here was someone who actually loved me, wanted to be my friend, lover, sense of home, and I ruined it. I have been extremely depressed and feel like I am going to give up on love altogether. Sometimes I feel i am condemned to a life alone. History is so powerful and why i titled this, my story, breaking the ladder is because I don't want to climb the ladder anymore for people who are incapable of being able to love me. I want to have a clear pathway to walk on where the love of my life can meet me and it's easy to get to one another......and I had that with my love, and now he is gone because of my past and the demons i fight with, fear of abandonement, fear of no one ever being able to love me. What do i do with all of this? How do i walk on with hope after losing all that I have with a man who really did love me? I feel so devastated, heartbroken, and beat down. My mom died when i was 26 years old. She was just 51 years old. She died suddenly. I have a lot of loss, sort of traumatic loss, so any loss for me feels like I am dying with it. any words of wisdom, love, guidance. I want to try to work it out with my ex-boyfriend, but he won't. He says I hurt him too bad. I wish i could repair the damage I have done.