Abandonment issues

by Tasha
(NY)

My mother died suddenly when I was three. One minute she was there to help and guide me, the next minute she was gone. My family has always ignored my issues because they assumed I could not remember her therefore I must not have felt the effects of her death. I have felt alone and scared since I can remember. In EVERY relationship I have ever had with any man, the minute I fell in love with him, or felt that he could hurt or leave me, I became this scary, suspicious woman who can't control her thoughts or actions. My reactions to things seem off the wall. I think things that are so negative yet I know I am not a negative person by nature. I have self esteem that I gave myself, but I can tell that I built it upon a non existant foundation. My boyfriend has no idea what to do with me and I also feel very stupid at times when I act the way I do. I have never asked for help from anyone with this problem, I thought as I got older I would just realize that I can do things alone and would not be fearful of losing people anymore. It isn't working and I feel like I am in a prison of my own mind. I can see myself reacting a certain way with my boyfriend, I know that it is eventually going to push him away. Then it makes me think there is someone else he will find that won't do this to him everyday. That thought scares me into reacting irrationally and the snow ball rolls from there. I have just begun to ask for help two days ago. I included him in this journey and have asked him to help and be patient and understanding. I don't know who I learned that most who suffer from this are outgoing and always the life of the party. My personality is just like that, and I worry that I have created my entire personality based on my fear. I am scared to find that who I am isn't real at all and that I have been trying to compensate for my internal and often external fear and lack of control. I need to know how to overcome this problem or I may pass it to my five year old son. I will also lose the best man I have ever met and will try hard to do this with him. If he cannot be supportive, or if I find that I have attracted a man who was emotionally unavailable, I will have to do it alone. I cannot tell the circumstances for why this relationship started because I learned it may be for the reasons of fear. I cannot tell if the things I don't like about him are my doing, or his. This transformation will give me a better understanding about my relationship.