Abandonment Issues - leave me alone where i belong
by nunya
When i was 19 my mom moved to a different city. away from my friends and family, i didnt know a soul. the only reason i was sober was because i was pregnant, but i am proud of myself for quitting the dope for my unborn. before i knew it the baby was here and my ma moved out. serves me right to get a dose of the real world with a baby and a drug addicted baby daddy. I swear i did my best. I just didnt realize i would be so alone in the world, while the father just did as he pleased. I cried most of the time and felt ashamed of myself when i didt have food or shampoo. and soon enough i started using again. my memories of those times are painfull to look back on. its as if i were just a dog, waiting for someone to pet me. when he told me and my son he would be back in 5 minutes and came back five weeks later it really ripped me apart. i felt so embarassed and so ashamed, and my son could feel the way i was feeling. i try to hide my feelings and i am so embarassed to tell anyone the way i felt at those times. i actually get angry at my mothr and family, its like they teased me and said they were there for me, but in reality they focus on all my wrong moves. to this day i have an axiety about people leaving me. I actually learned to like being left alone, and as much as i try to forget, it is a part of me and my son. I just want everyone to know that i am okay. nobody will know the pain i have felt. and i will forever remember what i feel when someone leaves me. my son will forever be my soldier. and i will forever be alone. i will make sure there is nobody that can leave me. and i am done trying to figure out why and i am done needing someone, and i am just done. I know i wont leave myself. and my son said he would never leave me. and it breaks my heart everyday. and i will never be the same. and i am too ashamed to admitt how i feel. |
