Abandoned-Mystery Solved

by Hopeful in Ohio
(Ohio)

I did not know how bad things were when I was little until my mom died of breast cancer at age 55. When I read her DD214 from the military, I saw that she left me when I was 11 months old to join the Army back in 1969. I later found out that my mom had been drinking and doing some hard drugs while she was pregnant with me. We moved into our grandparents house where my brothers and I shared a bedboom. My dad lived out back in the "shed". We lived there for the 1st 7 years of my life. I wet the bed the whole time, but not sure why. We then moved to a new house with my new step mom. My dad stayed with her for about 10 years and divorced her. He then moved in the new woman and her 2 kids. I decided it was time for me to move out. I wanted to live with my mom, since I had not lived with her since I was 11 mos old, but she would not let me. That whole time we were apart, I only saw her on special occasions. When I moved out of the city, I came back to see her and time and time again she was too busy with her boyfriend. She was not too busy to ask me to have sex with her boyfriend so I could have a baby with him for her. I declined of course. My dad was always busy with the ladies as he moved from one to the next. He was always gone either at work or helping save some damsel in distress. Why did he not want to help his own daughter? How could a mother leave her 3 young children? Why did they even have children? Now I am in a relationship with my wonderful husband. Hewhere was abandoned and abused in his entire life and we just learned that he suffers from Aspergers a form of autism. He cannot help it, but I now feel abandoned from him. Our life is forever changed as he struggles to connect socially with everyone. I feel so alone and he is okay with being alone. It seems like a life long sentence for both of us. I am trying to understand and help for the both of us. I have been in counseling for over a year and have been researching my life to help figure out why I am stuck on this merry- go-round. I need to take care of myself so I can support my husband. It is a lot to bear, but I feel that I am on the right track. Hang in there everyone!! We are strong and have made it this far. We deserve to love and be loved. It is hard to verbalize this information, but I am willing to do this if it will help one person understand what they are going through and take the next step to seek help. I have only just begun the process and am scared to death.
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Wow wow wow. If it is true that on the soul level we choose difficult lives because they test us and teach us the most, then you must be incredibly strong and intelligent. If you were to look for the lemonade in the lemon, the higher learning or silver linings for you in all of this, what would you see? What qualities do you have that all of this has helped you develop?

Thank you for sharing your journey and for your loving encouragement. I'm so glad you learned about your early past, and it sounds like you are doing a great job of "re-learning" how to be your deepest, truest, greatest SELF.

with love,
Laura